hello again…

its 3 am whats fucking new

okay so hi i dont remember the last time i got on here i know it wasnt too long ago i actually have no perception of time in my brain i honestly just vibe but anyways hey. i finished high school! in the middle of a pandemic! who knew! it doesnt even feel real like its just over. ive spent my entire life thinking about that long drive off the school lot and a soundtrack to it that sounds like sad endings and a lot of hope, but i just closed my laptop while listening to people attack me on stan twitter so that is so much fun

apparently nasa found proof that theres an alternate universe today and if i do not get to see my alternate life at any given point in time i will actually end my stupid little fat life because thats so interesting. i think a lot about hindsight and regret, and how each little domino of events in my life has led me to here. to this right now. and if i could go back, even a year, i would do a lot differently. i’m someone who learns through hindsight. im blinded by emotion and the overwhelming feeling of what is the present. as someone whos led by emotion like im on a literal LEASH (kinky), it leaves a lot of room for error. it also leaves me wondering more often than not. i could be a totally different person right now. i could be closer to the person i want to be. i could be further. i wish i knew what life had in store for me, so i could know if i was headed in the right direction. theres this one cheesy cliche depressionesque tumblr quote that says something like the afterlife is where the person you were meant to become, at your best, meets the person you are. and its up to you if thats heaven or hell. its kinda cringey but like Dam. i could sit here and type out every decision i wish i could take back but i would die typing. i also feel like dwelling on that for too long would actually make worms fester in my brain so thats up to you to wonder what i regret. Use ur imagination. Self deprecate me as me to ur hearts content baby

i dont know if ive mentioned this before but i daydream a lot and i always have. about the future or another lifetime idk just always. its really weird living through a period of time you used to fantasize about and its not even half as exciting as you thought it would be. like i look in the same mirror ive always looked in for over a decade and i listen to music ive yet to grow out of it in a life that looks nothing like ive pictured. its a harsh reality and my heavy imagination is a tough act to follow. i wish i would stop daydreaming and creating this life for myself and this insanely perfect version of myself in my head because i cant compete and the crippling disappointment and failure i feel toward my ownself is actually debilitating (debilitating is the word that got me disqualified from the middle school spelling bee if anyone was wondering)

i was literally just about to talk about something but i forgot so on to what i came here to talk about. social media… i deleted my main instagram. i feel like nobody gets it or why i did it and i dont know how to explain it without seeming like some mentally ill freak but Here goes. it makes sense to me so i guess thats all that matters. ive had unsupervised access to the internet since i was like in 5th grade, honestly maybe earlier but i cannot remember. ive been heavily dependent on social media for validation and entertainment for at least 8 years, and those were a lot of formative years in my opinion. i grew up on the internet. i viewed the internet as another way of interacting and treated it just as important as i did my interactions and relationships in real life. it felt more permanent so i regarded it a lot more seriously. i was obsessed with what people thought of my posts and the likes i got and how i looked and if people saw what i liked and would judge me. every single moment i spent on my main instagram felt crippling, it felt calculated. that isnt a wait everyone feels. im not sure if most people feel it at all. but it was very real for me and its also probably something i put on myself. i have no doubt about that and i blame nobody for it. i feel, especially since ive been in isolation pretty much these past two-three years, that social media was a replacement for real life and also a way to portray myself since nobody was seeing me. it was my ENTIRE identity. twitter not so much because twitter feels a lot more like enjoyment and casual to me. instagram/snapchat is high pressure. i would scroll through instagram and just see people i didnt want to see but felt like i had to because unfollowing would be rude. theres a certain etiqutte to these sites and it always feels like a losing game. if someone unfollowed me i took it way too personally. it would take me weeks to muster up the courage to post something, and when i did id hyperfixate on it. i would spend hours thinking about how many likes it got and the comments and how each person who saw it probably perceived it. then id get so sick of looking at my own face id delete it, then id wonder if anyone noticed that i deleted it. and if they thought that was weird. i thought i didnt have that many posts and that was weird but if i had a lot i needed more variety and there was too much weight to come with having a lot of posts it was like multiple facets for people to perceive me even though they didnt even really know me. i feel like im saying a lot and probably not making any sense. so i deleted my instagram and i made a small one with like 10 followers and i post sometimes when i want and i scroll through my feed because i want to. i dont feel any pressure about having to follow people. i follow people who make cool art or say cool things or post things that make me feel good. i still sometimes worry that if someone sees me like something theyll be like Omg weird.. but its not a crippling fear. its simply a thought. and it goes away. ive never felt so comfortable on a platform before. it feels more like living than it ever has and it has seriously made me feel so much better. i think one day ill reactivate my main instagram but i have to unlearn this obsession ive had with it. ive got to reconstruct my relationship with social media as a whole honestly. i have to be okay with being perceived and not let it eat me alive, and i dont think that rushing back to it would do me any good. i think its been so good for me to take this step back. i didnt realize how bad it made me feel because i was in it. i think this period in my life has easily been the height of an addiction i need to fight against social media.

i dont know when it happened but maybe a year or so ago i stopped using snapchat as often, i used it to make memories and take pictures and talk to my sisters and thats it. i stopped opening stories and snapchatting people and keeping streaks. i stopped doing streaks a little while after i moved honestly, i knew then it wasnt healthy to have any obligation to social media, it started with snapchat then and there. im so glad and now i hate snapchat. i hate that people use it to talk when text msgs exist. i probably sound so bitter but its just how i feel. idk i guess just realizing i could be a whole person without a social media presence has made me a lot happier. just because i grew up on the internet doesnt mean i have to live there, doesnt mean i have to stay attached to it.

ive been having a very weird and strange relationship with twitter these last few weeks too. well i guess the last few months but definitely ive felt its been stronger these last few weeks. i love twitter and i feel like its one part of the internet where i dont feel a lot of pressure but i feel like that lack of pressure has led me to not caring about how my followers perceive me and i havent created the best image of myself. i want to escape that identity ive created out of carelessness but i dont know how. i dont know if i can do that. i dont know if i should. i want to actually just erase my whole being off the internet and start again. right now thinking about this i really think it would be a good idea to create a fresh account but i feel like thats kind of cringey but if i want to continue to enjoy this platform and not ruin it for myself it seems like a good option. i know i created a toxic culture w my stan account because i was obsessed with having friends and hit tweets and likes and followers and it became so consuming. id argue with anyone and i dont like being confrontational. i like being liked. i like being nice and people thinking im kind. i think i need to take a break, a serious break for a few days and come back with a clear head of what my relationship is with it and what i want it to be. i dont want to be complicit in my own suffering. Ever!!!!! i think taking it from the point i did w my instagram and not knowing how bad it was until it was over is what i need to do. I think thats the plan. ill update you guys on that.

i really need a writing playlist because i keep skipping through all these damn songs trying to find something that is worthy of writing to. I have so much 1d poppy hits saved that it actually pains me when they come on shuffle. yes Dive by ed sheeran just came on and im letting it play. am i proud of that? no. am i contemplating deleteing this part? yes. but will i? no. Wondering why i can tell u guys about my mental illness uncensored but cant admit to liking an ed sheeran song. This is my life. I am so versatile u all are jealous i can totally sense it.

sorry i usually try to be more sardonic in these but i physically cannot right now. i guess because i have a lot to say. I feel good getting that out. ive been writing poetry more and idk that feels good. finishing high school feels good. having milestones and not being able to celebrate them as planned sucks but after all of the shit ive been through im grateful to be here. ALSO

am i the only one whos like “omg ive been thru so much this year” and people are like Yea? what happened? and all i can be like is… I hav mental illness this brain goes through a lot of trauma daily just to get thru the day babygirl thats a lot! my brain is a constant cycle of Criminal minds and then Baby Really Hurt Me Crying In The Taxi. Like thats it. also while writing this someone complimented my poetry and iw ant to strangle myself i am so appreciative ………

Ok anyways ill leave it here its 4 am im in immense pain actually no im not thats just a thing i say when i feel even slightly inconvenienced by my current situation

im tired so I will leave. Im going to order a book tomorrow and i am looking forward to that. I feel better writing that. I almost just addressed my readers like i have any omg bye can one person read this and all my other posts so we can fall in love like please. Im waiting. it would be such a good love story. mentally ill teenage girl vents about said mental illness on a dark corner of the website and finds the love of her life was reading all along… THATS SO CUTE SOMEONE READ THIS PELASEdshfjasdkfhjlsdfhlaksdhfl Ok OK ok bye anyways someone comment let me acknowledge if anyone is lurking okokokokokokok goodnight

PS this is not anywhere close to being a coming of age movie if u havent been able to tell. ALso i am so happy that i created this before it became a tiktok trend of whos the main character like i am so cool and have such a ginormous brain…

signing off…..

love,

your big brained mentally ill stupid fucking bitch ❤

dear god

haha i literally only remember this account when im DYING of mental illness. i genuinely cant remember what my last post was about. to be clear i never reread posts or read them period for that matter, i just write every thought that comes into my stupid little brain and then post it and then cry myself to sleep. so i hope i didnt put too many expectations onto may Kristen. i literally almost just spelled my name wrong. ok. This is fine im fine everythings fine.

im so scared to type anything because for some reason it makes it so real. im obviously struggling but theres shit htat im going through that i would honestly rather die than admit to myself. and i just started tearing up so thats hwo you know its bad. im so scared , and i feel like i cant be scared because im not even a person yet. how can i feel everything and be nobody. im so scared of how people perceive me, im so scared to exist and just be a person and thats no way to live a life.

im so scared that im fighting jsut to stay where i am. im fighting, im wasting all this energy to stay invisible when i need to be fighting to be somebody. i deleted my instagram the other day, i couldnt stand existing and i felt like most people only remembered my existence through social media. so i deactivated my main instagram but i keep my finsta just to see memes and stuff. i like my finsta a lot more, i dont see people i really know. it feels more like freedom than faking now. im probably going to contradict myself alot in this, but i feel like if youve read any of my blog posts you already know im fucking crazy and cant stick to one idea for very long.

i dont know what it is about social media, i dont know what it is about me. i dont remember if its always bothered me like it does now. i dont know if ive ever had a brain since before these last two or three years. i swear to god the amount of psychoanalyzing i do on myself is enough to drive me crazy. but i dont know if thats a normal thing everyone does. i swear to god all i do is think. i remember being at the old house and one day being like ??? i used to be able to fall asleep and be fine, now i cant turn my brain off. i think i never used to have thoughts, i just existed, now all those backlog of thoughts are hitting me now to make up for lost time. yeah, sounds about right. but also how cliche is it to be like OMg i think too much hehehe im an oVeRtHiNkEr like shut up stupid chemical meat pile just shut up already

lol my sister just texted me about twilight this is my life

i think one day im gonna just delete everything, delete my name, delete the profiles, and just have an account so that way im not totally out of the loop. i feel like when i go to college though people would be like wtf kinda person doesnt have social media. IDK, i feel like i cant win. Ever. im in a constant losing game against myself. i feel like i wasnt always like this. or i feel like i always was but now im just realizing. bitch im either ASCENDINGGG or im that Did U Kno Depression Causes Memory Loss headass and im scared to be either

i keep putting off the thing that im most scared to talk about. and i dont know if im more scared to talk about it or to never talk about it. i feel like its so stupid. like if i wasnt me and i was giving myself advice id tell myself i was the stupidest person alive for being scared regardless, that nobody would judge me. i wish i could print out my thoughts without trouble and just read everything and make sense of it. because i know i could, i know the truth is in here somewhere i just havent found it yet, i havent found the words. i havent found the bravery. and im sitting here wondering if ill ever find it.

the other day i was thinking of how, just because you grow up, doesnt necessarily mean that your problems stay your problems. if that makes sense. im only 18 (haha yes ive turned 18 since my last post! we can now legally cover NSFW territory!) and i have all of these problems. or problems that may not even be problems. i will have a lifetime of problems. im ALIVE. im living. and i will keep living for as long as im conscious of it. that such a stupid realiziation. but for a long time i definitely did not think that would be possible. i remember so many times looking in the mirror thinking, “this is my last night on earth” and i think thats so childish now, it was so cheesy but like I felt that way. the same way my emotions right now feel insanely real, those feelings felt real at such a young age. dont get me wrong, there are still moments where im like can i just die LOL but i feel like since ive made it this far i will make it farther. im becoming insanely aware of my own humanity, of the fact that i will age and experience life because guess what. Im real. I exist. whether i like it or not.

i remember looking in the mirror and daydreaming about what id look like at 18, what my life would be like, who id be. id build 18 year old me in my own head like i was a sim or something. the same mirror i daydreamed in is in front of me right now. and i have no comment.

i also have been having a hard time associating all of my transgressions or whatever with my identity. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. like imagine the worst thing youve ever done, do you actively associate that with who you are? with your core being? or do you pretend it doesnt exist? like you know its bad when it comes up in your head, and you hate it, but you dont want it to be a part of you. i dont know if its worse to pretend that evil isnt yours, or to let it own you. i dont know whats normal. or if the bad things ive done are necessarily bad, if everyone does it. i wish i could live in someones head for a week, a stereotypical, normal person and just see how they think. every thought. every action. i feel like thats not healthy. but again, i dont know. i feel like i have all of these thoughts that amount to nothing, i cant give you a definitive answer on anything. i wish i could. dear god, i wish i could.

i have a feeling that im going to be writing here more, i dont think this is a wave. i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i know nothing

im afraid if i type what i want to type i wont be able to take it back. i wont be able to put it back in and my fingers feel weird just even thinking of typing it. it probably sounds like im planning on admitting to murder or something LMFAO. i just ugh. i have internalized so much for so long i just cant go out and say it. but if i know one thing, i know ive had these thoughts for a long time, i wanted to type out saying i know its real but i dont know. how can i define myself if i dont even feel like im a real person half of the time. also another reason why i keep social media is because sometimes someone will post something and im like Wow. I understand that and i FEEEEL that and i never knew other people felt that way. its a love hate realtionship. sometimes it makes me feel crazy, sometimes it makes me feel sane.

it would be easier to correct all of my typos instead of typing this but when have you known me to do things that are the easy way. i just opened up this blog again to talk about the ONE thing and ive managed to do everything but name it. it would be easier to. but i cant. listening to ftdt by harry styles just to feel something. that feeling? Unimaginable pain. KILLL MEEE PLZZZ

i hope someone stumbles across this and thinks im so cool or something. IDk. all iw ant to be is cool. someone please call me cool. or kiss me on my forehead. Either works. but wait, being around people is physically painful considering i hate myself and the way i look with a burning passion.

all i know is pain.

um i think im just gonna leave it at this. i plan to see you soon. this mental illness aint going anywhere baby!

i didnt go to bed lol (pt. 2)

hiiiiiiii. i thought maybe i should explain more about the title of this blog.

ive always idealized movies like perks of being a wallflower, not the sad parts, but the teenage moments where the kids peak in highschool and are having the time of their lives and each moment is fleeting but right now and right here is all they know. that innocence and happiness is something i think everyone really wants. not that i want to peak in high school, i just want high school to be great and everything else that follows that to be infinitely better. but as i mentioned, im about to be a senior so its kind of hard to redeem a whole highschool career of depression (tea)….

theres this scene in perks of being a wallflower and its when sam, charlie, and patrick are driving in the tunnel and heroes by david bowie is playing and sam stands through the sunroof with her hands behind her and basking in how awesome the song and this specific moment is. i dont even really like that song by bowie that much, but that scene evokes this indescribable emotion and yearning in me. i only have a select few songs that meet that criteria for me, its really the tunnel test. maybe one day ill post the playlist i have of my tunnel songs but aint nobody deserve to know me like that yet.

also i keep talking about perks of being a wallflower like im obsessed with it but im really not ive only seen the movie like 3 times max its just something about it that captures me and how i feel about a lot of things just by watching it. there are very few things in life where you can not experience it but still feel that emotion secondhand. ugh sorry i just wanted to justify that.

also me and my friend always drive around with the windows down listening to cliche indie music and look at birds and clouds and talk about how in a few moments when the right song starts to play, we feel like were the main characters everyone wants to be and know. i feel like thats kind of conceited but its true. that feeling is like being you against the world but for a moment, the world doesnt stand a damn chance against you and you feel on fire with hope for life and idk if im just really depressed and am obsessed with that feeling or im some indie movie moment junkie and i should seek help… i think either option means i need to seek help omg bye

i cant tell if its because im a teenage girl in a dying world or im a writer or its both, but i am hopelessly filled with hope and ambition and expectations and depressed and scared all at the same time. i think my knowledge and surroundings tell me to be scared and hopeless while my nature as a person and at this specific moment in my life i have to be wide eyed with love and potential. ive said hope so much while writing and rewriting this idek if its a real word anymore. maybe im making it up and thats why it seems so damn unattainable!

i might genuinely be two people omg so quirky me documenting my mental illness thru a wordpress blog i made at 1 am. this is so on brand for me its disgusting.

in 30 years i want some random teenager to find this website while im probably living life at the age of (almost 50 wtf ew) and definitely dont remember making this. thats seriously all i want, that poor girl who stumbles upon this is gonna be like damn the 2000s generation was fucking weird. girl, youre correct. omg what if its my own daughter. omg see here i go again with these cheesy ideas.. hi sweaty hope u did ur homework ok but seriously gtfo bc imma be talking about bad stuff… jk but omg how fucjing annoying is it that like im probably gonna shelter my kids so much but here i am like ?? ive done a ton of stupid shit that would probably get me murdered and in hindsight i should 100% be dead or in jail by now but my kids are gonna be like “omg mom was such a loser in highschool she just studied”

ok dont think im like a crackhead or anything… just teenage rebellion and angst making me do stupid normalish teen shit. omg i need to keep this clean. i start bleeping my curse words like annoying a** youtubers trying to get monetized… like if u dont just die already…. omg can wordpress delete a post or a blog for being problematic. im the jovan of wordpress…… ok on that note i need to die so goodnight i swear this time this is stupid again anyways love u

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this is so stupid (pt. 1)

hi. so i had a random, spur of the moment idea to create a public diary like im in some cheesy movie and am about to get asked to prom with flowers and a big grand gesture and we all aww and coo and go home feeling sadder and lonelier than we were when we bought the damn tickets.

right now, it’s 1 in the morning and im listening to sad taylor swift songs because im on my period and crying just sounds sooo good right now. i also don’t know if i should introduce myself or let yall just figure it out…… i say yall as if anyone is actually reading this besides my future employer because this will somehow get traced back to me and id die of actual embarrassment… if thats the case, hi mr/mrs employer i promise im soo smart and this blog is teenage angst and goofery i promise im smarter now just click off ok ily.

i feel like this is so awkward like someone will find it and tweet “oomf thinks shes in perks of being a wallflower… unstan” and id probably cry.

ok whatever, hi im not saying my name so it isnt necessary. im she/her, pronouns are all we need right?? i like to write and im about to start my senior year of highschool. im a pisces. ummmmmmmmmmm what else. i love twitter and all kinds of music really. im a really daydreamy person so most of these posts will be about the life i want for myself or how im gonna marry some gorgeous celebrity who is my new obsession of the week. i also really really love music and i dont mean that in like i love to make music i mean like im always listening to music my spotify recap for 2018 was like 78,000 hours of music i listened to…. i actually dont know how many hours thats probably a HUGE exaggeration but anyways. ill probably post a lot of laundry lists of songs.

i guess my expectations for this blog is just for me to write how i feel regularly and its so much easier to ramble when i type so dont really expect me just talking about my day. its gonna be more ranty and i promise ill try to use periods and commas and whatever. i act like i dont run a regular blog about other stuff where its proofread 76 times before i post. but i promise im not dumb LOL

um, i dont know if i should just get into it and end it here. i might end it here and should really fall asleep crying to untouchable by taylor swift like its my damn job.

ok ok ok im about to stop, but basically if anyone is reading this and wants to talk like comment and ill reply or comment ur email or ur instagram and we can be blog bffs omg so cute but yea!!! idk how anyone is ever gonna find this and even enjoy it. ok im going to bed i promise the next posts willbe more structured and make more sense ok gn