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this is so stupid (pt. 1)

hi. so i had a random, spur of the moment idea to create a public diary like im in some cheesy movie and am about to get asked to prom with flowers and a big grand gesture and we all aww and coo and go home feeling sadder and lonelier than we were when we bought the damn tickets.

right now, it’s 1 in the morning and im listening to sad taylor swift songs because im on my period and crying just sounds sooo good right now. i also don’t know if i should introduce myself or let yall just figure it out…… i say yall as if anyone is actually reading this besides my future employer because this will somehow get traced back to me and id die of actual embarrassment… if thats the case, hi mr/mrs employer i promise im soo smart and this blog is teenage angst and goofery i promise im smarter now just click off ok ily.

i feel like this is so awkward like someone will find it and tweet “oomf thinks shes in perks of being a wallflower… unstan” and id probably cry.

ok whatever, hi im not saying my name so it isnt necessary. im she/her, pronouns are all we need right?? i like to write and im about to start my senior year of highschool. im a pisces. ummmmmmmmmmm what else. i love twitter and all kinds of music really. im a really daydreamy person so most of these posts will be about the life i want for myself or how im gonna marry some gorgeous celebrity who is my new obsession of the week. i also really really love music and i dont mean that in like i love to make music i mean like im always listening to music my spotify recap for 2018 was like 78,000 hours of music i listened to…. i actually dont know how many hours thats probably a HUGE exaggeration but anyways. ill probably post a lot of laundry lists of songs.

i guess my expectations for this blog is just for me to write how i feel regularly and its so much easier to ramble when i type so dont really expect me just talking about my day. its gonna be more ranty and i promise ill try to use periods and commas and whatever. i act like i dont run a regular blog about other stuff where its proofread 76 times before i post. but i promise im not dumb LOL

um, i dont know if i should just get into it and end it here. i might end it here and should really fall asleep crying to untouchable by taylor swift like its my damn job.

ok ok ok im about to stop, but basically if anyone is reading this and wants to talk like comment and ill reply or comment ur email or ur instagram and we can be blog bffs omg so cute but yea!!! idk how anyone is ever gonna find this and even enjoy it. ok im going to bed i promise the next posts willbe more structured and make more sense ok gn

all nighter extravaganza

gooooood morning! it’s 8:59 AM and i have been up all night. the goal is to stay up all day, with no naps, but we’ll see how that goes. this morning i had a psychic moment and it’s the second time something similar to that has happened, and it’s really interesting to me it makes me excited that maybe i have a really strong intuition, or at least im getting there.

i just did some stretching and a meditation. i;m feeling just really good today, i think. just thinking about how far i’ve come these past few years. this time last year, i got my ACT score back and was heartbroken and felt i was doomed. i just thought i was so stupid. and now, i’m not doing too well in my classes. thats not an example of my changing in a positive way on its own but i do think it shows how my mindset has changed.

i don’t feel doomed, and if i do feel doomed on the rare occasion it doesn’t feel consuming for the most part. i definitely feel doom about other things but in terms of school i dont. i have a rocky relationship with life, and my mental health is, in one way or another, always at stake. it’s hard to feel balanced and far from doom when your health is always on the line.

i want to be better to myself, it’s just overwhelming to try to do that. it feels like all the awful things ive let myself go through has dug me a deep hole that i feel, sometimes, is too overwhelming to dig myself out of. i know thats not the case, and often feel it will get worse if i dont intervene and stop letting bad things come instead of actively preventing it.

i mean, i’m talking about things i have control over. theres a lot i dont have control over, and i think i’m better now at grasping the difference, than i was. i mean, i took the act’s twice and never studied, and cried for days about how stupid i was when i didnt even try. i didnt even get a bad score i got like a 26. i mean, the pain i felt was a lot. i know in retrospect that last year was a terrible time for me mentally, i was letting life pass me by and instead of doing something about it i just allowed myself to be hyperaware of that fact and spent my time consumed with a sadness that seemed like it could only be a predecessor to death itself.

and now i want to say i was being dramatic then, and maybe i was, but that’s just truly how i saw things. i think being dramatic is when the person knows things aren’t to the extent they are but choose to make it seem worse, but i genuinely believed the world was going to end and that it couldn’t possibly be worse. and not just about my ACTs, about a lot of things.

this time last year i was just very conflicted about everything, i felt like someone else was in my body using it and doing what they wanted and i was just watching it. i feel more in control now, but still on autopilot. i feel like i’ve not broken these bad habits, and i hope today i can break one.

i oversleep so much, it’s insane. like yesterday i woke up at 3pm. i set an alarm so i could go to class at 11:30. at 11:28 i logged on, put my computer up and then went back to bed. my computer died halfway through class and i woke up to it dead before class was even supposed to be over. which sucks. then i had a class at 2;30, woke up at 2:20 decided to sleep for a few more minutes and woke up at 2:31 to a dead computer knowing damn well by the time it turned on i most likely would not have been allowed in the room anyways, so why try?

waking up at 3pm on a regular basis in the dead of winter is actually going to destroy my mental health if i keep on. so maybe this all nighter will reset me and things will be good again. i mean, if im up everyday at 7/8, i will eventually get so bored i’ll have no choice but to go to class and be productive.

not only doing school, but i really wanna read more. i haven’t read a lot in the past like 2 months and that sucks. i wish i could go through books like other people do, and the thing is i most definitely have the schedule and the flexibility to do that. yet, i think i dont because im too busy sleeping. its a painful cycle, truly.

im getting sleepy while typing this so im going to go and be productive, somehow. i’ll let you know how it goes. (probably not, more like i’ll see u in3 months)

c’est la vie

i don’t remember the last time i wrote on here so that could be because it’s been a while or just that im fucking stupid so we shall see (ill check once im done)

i don’t really know what i wanna talk about. i could probably sit here and tell you a million things, all meaningless in the grand scheme of things but right now it feels like forever and everything.

i feel like more than ever i’m so confused by who i am when it comes to literally everything. i feel like a little bit of everyone i’ve ever known but completely isolated in my identity at the same time. i don’t know how to categorize myself, by any means. sometimes i don’t know if im ugly or not and i feel like more often than not the answer is leaning towards ugly which kind of sucks. but like thats not something i can really fix. i just have no idea what i truly look like. i feel like my personality is awful and everyone must hate me and only pretend to like me out of pity or obligation which sucks. i feel like i can’t get a good grasp on who i am to the point where i feel like ive been floating through life up to this point and ive barely even done anything besides exist, but im still debating my own existence if im being honest. i wish i could have some answers and be assured or different or not care. i dont know

this feels stupid

like really stupid

but whatever

i know ive talked about this before but like with everything going on now i feel like my social media anxiety is really heightened. like i feel like everything i do online doesnt portray who i really am/i dont sound like me but maybe that is what i sound like and im in denial. im just so fucking scared of someone thinking im ugly or stupid or annoying or fat or whatever and it could be a complete stranger and id be devastated. a lot of the time i worry about what people think of me im mostly, in my head, thinking about people i dont even know anymore. people who are most certainly not thinking about me but i always think about them and its so stupid and i dont know why i cant get over it. i feel like i have to prove the mental/emotional/spiritual growth ive experienced in a physical way but that hasnt happened yet and i dont know what to do. i constantly feel like my mentality is gonna lead me to something worse like an ED or something and a fucked up part of me is like… whatever works, right? thats so fucked up.

sometimes i look in the mirror or when im all by myself and not in an anxious moment, i feel okay. and i wish it could feel that way forever. and i dont know why it cant. and i keep telling myself things will get so much better during the fall because i love fall but like when am i going to learn that placing my hopes for a better mental health on a time period in the future NEVER works. you can’t just plan to get all of your mental illness out in the spring and hope by summer you’re okay again, thats not how it works but honestly i wish it did. i keep looking forward but theres nothing there right now, everythings all so up in the air.

do you ever wonder that it was 50 years ago and the internet didn’t exist and you couldnt care what strangers thought of you because they werent even on your radar because they were STRANGERS? part of me would like to throw my phone away forever and i truly think that someday i will, but right now im just trying to survive i guess.

and im also really nervous about life after college and what thats going to look like because everything i used to be interested in doing seems so god-awful boring to me, but that could just be the depression speaking. also im on my period so it could be that too but its been just an overarching thing lately.

i cant wait for the future and for things to get better and for everything about myself to line up. because right now i feel like part of me is so juvenile and the other part is way too grown up and i hate that. and i also hate that im getting older and ill have to become a slave to capitalism and pay taxes and bills and all that and its really scary and most of my youth is behind me so like now what lol but also i hate the idea of staying this way much longer. im too indecisive and my feelings about my mortality change with the weather so whatever

everything feels so impermanent in life, because it really is i guess. i don’t feel real half the time and time isn’t even real to begin with. neither is money. but whatever. the only thing we leave behind when we die, and go wherever we go, is our relationships with people and im so scared that nobody cares about me like that. im afraid im going to die and one day people will realize lifes a lot easier without me in it. i hate feeling like a burden but i do. i feel like i take up too much space, and i get it. i jsut want to change it, but i really dont know how. i dont know how to be someone radically different and i also really dont know how to be myself. i feel like who i am is all a mask to who i really am and i cant take that mask off. i dont know if who i really am and who i want to be are the same person, i just dont know. i mean, who am i really? i feel like im the most contradicting person ever. like have you read all this shit im saying? i contradict myself every other sentence. i dont feel normal and i dont by any means feel extraordinary i just want something that i dont even know how to describe.

i wish i could fucking build-a-bear my life or some shit and put together this perfect person in front of me, and step into the body mind and soul of this constructed being and that be me. i wish it worked like that. god, i wish it worked like that. maybe science will catch up to my mental illness one day.

i read this thing the other day where it was like our souls choose our lives before we are born, like our past self or whatever. like they choose our parents because of something we need. its like we’re just truly faceless entities that are collecting tragedies and stories and triumphs and life lessons to become a whole person. and i can’t tell if it’s the shittiest thing ever or the most interesting. i wonder what my past self saw in me and this life. gotta tell you, i dont think it was something totally great.

lately ive been feeling like writing might be all i have, and then i got freaked out that people would hate my writing and while im stressed about that someone left a comment on one of my poems and it wasn’t really nice. they basically told me it wasn’t good or bad but that it was only worth reading just to pass time. i ended up deleting the rest of my posts. i just cant handle the idea of not being good enough for a single person, but im also like FUCK EVERYONE who doesnt like me because im great and amazing and hot and sexy. like Jesus Christ i need to make up my mind. and also half the time im like fuck organized religion, all my homies hate organized religion but im totally a godfearing person i think. see, i told you i cant categorize myself.

i think writing this has made me a lot more confused than anything so im going to go. Hope ur good. hope nobody fucking reads this shit ever. i was thinking about that in the shower earlier, what if someone ever found this and read it? and they KNEW me? like holy fucking shit idk what id do. i wish one day i could be this open with a person but i dont think that would ever happen, id overthink it way too much.plus, im a whole lotta mental illness to put on a person.

peace out i hope i get better but we all know how far my hope gets me

(spoiler alert: not very far)

dont read this. if u do, u must read till the end.

hi. it’s been a while. not really in the mood to directly catch anyone up. maybe later. just felt like writing.

i looked at the back of my copy of sylvia plaths diary and it says “plaths precocious literary talent blazes off the page… no one has put sylvia plath down on ppaper better than she did herself.”

it made me think. about my ability to view myself and communicate myself to the world. can i, in any capacity, objectively put myself on paper? i think about some of my inabilities. why can’t i be undiluted and wholly truthful? what do i fear? well, i know what i fear but i don’t have the guts to say it outloud.

sylvia had the courage to, our knowledge, say the ugly things. she immortalized her ugly truth and maybe thats part of the reason she killed herself, but shes praised for it. sometimes i think there will never be a person on this earth that i could be totally truthful with. i mean, can anybody? theres so much we all hide (at least id like to think so) even from ourselves, thinks we dont let hit paper or be spoken aloud because loud lies cover silent truths much better than they should. i mean, you reading this right now, what are you hiding? what cant you say to yourself? theres always something. or maybe im crazy.

whats the ugliest thing you did to a person? whats the ugliest thing you did to yourself? even if people have said worse aloud, whats one thing you won’t let your outside self know? im thinking of a few things. these things i don’t want immortalized or associated with the person i see in the mirror, but these things are undoubtedly mine.

im so scared of ever letting anyone ever truly know me, that i dont often give myself the opportunity to know myself or accept the bad parts of me. if you let someone truly know you, they can truly hurt you. i mean, tail behind your legs kinda hurt. like salt in the wound. i guess on the same coin, someone could truly love you. but hurt is a lot scarier than love and if you don’t think so i think youre lying to yourself or maybe im just naive

i wonder if i would ever find some kind of claim on a life like sylvia has in so many, i wonder if my words would ever sit in a teenage girls bedroom and memorized in her head because it just made sense. that feels dramatic to say. how could i ever be a writer, in the way i want to be, if im not honest? will someone ever be moved by me? will someone ever be fascinated by my words? will i ever write something that some stranger would always come back to. i want to, i dont know how.

i think i could keep a diary, but i have too much to say. and it never seems like its the right thing. or about the right thing. can you imagine someone wanting to read your thoughts, personal thoughts, over a span of a decade? not just out of curiousity or noseyness but because they want your words so badly? because your work, your immortality is an extension of them?

sometimes i contemplate my desire to be known in such a way. i would want people to love the things i said and who my words portray me to be, not me myself. i think my words are who i truly am, but i dont want that to ever be clouded by my existing identity.

i have so much desire to create something and to give it to the world so people can love it as much as i can, but i don’t know what that would be. i dont know what i have the capacity to give. and my fear of failure is so intense it’s scary.

i think i have imposter syndrome. scratch that, i know i have it. when i feel like im doing something good, i think its wrong i think im wrong and im lying to myself but i cant tell. when im doing something bad, i think it might not be that bad and im lying to myself and im actually good. like i said, i have no way to truly ever know myself.

i have so many facets and so many parts of me and im beginning to think i sound like i have multiple personalities or BPD or bipolar disorder or fucking something but like doees that make sense. i can sense a progression and some consistencies in who i am at this point in time, but i feel so vastly different than the person i was 2 years ago or even a year ago. thats growing up i guess, but like i hate my old self so intensely it feels like im a brand new person. ‘

ew ok i hate all that that i just wrote i feel like it made me look crazy and now im contradicting myself because all i fucking do is contradict myself and i logged on here to satisfy some need to get some words out but now its just left me wanting to say more and completely unsatisfyed and frsutrated and im also kind of under the influence not really but kind of and i want to just exist without anyone looking at me please dont read this because its gonna make me wonder for hours if i look like a crazy person in your perception of me. do not read this unless u r willing to read everything else ive written and write a 5 page MLA format essay on exactly how u perceive me and honestly someone do that plz that would make me happy especially if youre like a psychiatrist or something plz diagnose me thatd be so fucking funny

I um yea

i wish i had the strength to write out everything thats transpired this past week or so but i cant it hurts way more than it should. it hurts knowing i disappointed people. people i cared so much about. people who cared about me. people i called friends. they’ll know me as disappointing and for how i hurt them, and there is no atonement for that.

i wish i could find a way to forgive myself. i wish i could forget all about it. i wish i was so much better than i am. i wish i wasnt who i am. i wish that anything else would be happening right now. i feel so stupid, i feel like i betrayed myself. part of me thinks im this emotionally intelligent, wise, good person but then the other part of me proves me wrong each time. what do i do. i feel like ill always regret it.

this for sure goes back to my dependency on social media, the fact that someone you used to care about and trust would decide so easily to never see a word you had to say again. that fucking hurts and i dont think it should. im so stupid. i wish i could be funny right now. i wish i didnt care so badly. and i wish that if i couldnt not care that id have the strength to cut it all off completely and just stop. i feel so entirely hurt and i wish i could blame it on anyone but me, but i think thats the cosmic punishment to all of this. ill blame my hurt on me because i caused it and the person who snatched the rug out from under me gets nothing. what the fuck kind of system is that.

and the fact is, the person who hurt me could get hurt to hell and back and it wouldnt change how i felt. it wouldnt change how hurt i am. it wouldnt make this any better. it hurts so much that a person who i called a friend and talked to day in and day out would want to hurt me this bad. and they knew this would hurt me. the people you trust always can hurt you the easiest because they know how, its never a guessing game. they know how to make your emotional stability come crumbling down because you were vulnerable enough. it makes me never want to say a word to anyone ever again. it makes me never want to trust a soul again. it makes me want to shrivel up and just die. okay thats kind of dramatic. but i cant just go on telling people every thought that’s in my head just because i think its okay. nobody would perceive me gently because of it, and in the long run they’d just find something about it to pick a part. and that seems like the end of the world.

everytime i feel better i end up falling down right again. this time, right now in my life with everything going on, feels harder. i have so much growing up to do in this short period of time, i have so much to learn and i have to, more than anything, try and give a shit about myself before it gets in the way. and while i do that, i have to deal with my safe space being taken away from me. i have to deal with accepting that a group of people ive never met will probably always hate me. and theres no way i can fix it. i have to forgive myself, on top of all of this.

i feel like reading this you guys might think i did some horrible, terrible, awful, disgusting thing. i didn’t murder anyone if that’s what you’re wondering. some things i said about a friend got shown to her, publicly, and out of context, by another ‘friend’. i won’t lie, i was hurtful. i let my other friends get away with it. i was a guilty participant and bystander. i should’ve said something. i should’ve never did what i did. i’ve regretted it and felt guilty about it before she was shown the texts. and i wish i could’ve said something to her to make her feel better, because what i did was awful but i still cared about her.

i feel like the only way i could move on from this is to leave every aspect of my association with my friends and that period of my life behind. but i feel like cutting ties is negating my responsibility in all of it. could i possibly learn and grow from this if i run away from it? would cutting ties with the people who were involved make it any better? is that the painful action i have to take? i love my friends, so much. i know in my heart they’re good people. but we did a bad thing, and i don’t think they care but again we haven’t really talked about it for a long time.

i wish i could tell my side of the story, fully. but i don’t think it would change anything. i don’t think that would make people care about me again or forgive me. i mean, someone who knew me kinda well heard the full thing and decided they still didn’t want to be associated with me. do you know how much that hurts? that i’m being wholly defined by a mistake i made, which i know was a mistake. and a mistake i’d never make again if i could help it.

it’s hard growing up and becoming a better person when there’s no capacity for forgiveness. i feel like that’s just true for social media. and social media already makes me feel bad. i wish i could just drill it into my head that 1. social media is bad. 2. you are not your mistakes. 3. you are worthy of forgiveness. 4. the opinions of others don’t matter. but those are some hard lessons im still trying to learn.

the image of me and all that is associated with me by those who will only remember me by my mistake is actually just so heartbreaking. i messed up and no fucking mantra will fix it. i wish i could just forget about it. but i’d never be better. i wish i could be better and forget about it. cant have your cake and eat it too i guess. Sucks. Life Sucks. I want to take a big eraser to my face, to this past year, to my entire presence and just start over knowing what i know now. but thats impossible. dear god or whoevers running this awful simulation, help. I need it.

i wish i could cry right now, i feel like it’d make me feel a lot better. i was kinda crying when i started writing this but now im just bleh.

i wish i was so much better than i am right now. i wish i wasn’t me. i wish this wasn’t happening. i wish i was more ready for what the world is about to hit me with. i don’t know if i could handle it. i’d like to think i could.

in her vulnerability (which she shares only with you),

the girl who fucked up

hi…

again, this probably wont make a lot of sense but i just need to write it and put it somewhere so hi.

i really dont think my return to twitter can happen anytime soon. every time i log on, i go looking for something that will hurt me and it really should hurt me tbh. i deserve to be hurt by it because its my actions. its how i was complicit in hurting other people. i made stupid mistakes, i did stupid things, and i wish i could erase it. all of it. i wish more than anything that i could take it back and do a lot differently, but i cant and i have to live with that insurmountable guilt.

the people by my side, my partners in crime, i dont even think realize the shitty things we did and they dont want to acknowledge it or grow from it i guess. i cant force that on anyone. and i dont want to, i cant force people to own up to their mistakes. even though i love them and im just as guilty i wish it would be a conversation, but its not. i wish i could apologize. idk how though. i dont think anyone wants to hear from me. i think thats ultimately fair. im trying to admit to fairness even when it doesnt benefit me, which is honestly hard. i’ve never felt like this before that i can remember.

ive done mean things but i dont think that makes me a mean person. well by definition a mean person is someone who does mean things. so i guess thats that. i dont want to be a mean person, i dont want to leave people worse off than when i found them. i dont want people to dislike me. i barely can handle people looking at me and recognizing my existence, let alone disliking my existence. i suck. i think i might just be the absolute worst.

this was a necessary thing to happen, im being held accountable, in an odd way (its an odd situation). ill never make this mistake again. i feel like in these few days ive grown a lot. its been painful. guess dats why theyre called growing pains. lov my life. wanna die. okkay now i have a headache and being on here and confronting my intensely overwhelming emotions is counterproductive to the advil i just took. See u all soon. i promise ill be better next time (maybe (probably not)).

crying, again

hi, theres so much i wanted to talk to you about but right now its 4pm and thats by far the earliest in the day i’ve ever written one of these. well i would say 4am is pretty early (when i usually write these) but you know what i mean. this probably wont make a lot of sense because i dont have it in me to explain to you every detail you’d need to understand.

i just lost the safe space ive had since september. and rightfully so. i deserved to lose it and i will most likely lose everyone ive found there too. im so upset with myself, im upset with the person who made me realize how shitty this all is, im upset with the people who helped this happen, im upset i hurt people. im upset that this is a horrible thing i did and im trying not to be distracted by how hurtful and evil *** is, because thats the easy way out. blaming jaz for what she did when i gave her the ammunition to do it. i hate myself right now. i feel very empty. i wanted to leave that place anyways, but i wanted to do it on my own terms. i wanted to have that control, but i dont anymore. i never truly did i guess. i did a mean thing and i dont deserve the mercy and i dont deserve the power i want over the situation. i wish i could be angry with the world right now but i am instead very angry with myself.

i feel like i was a nice person before all of this, that i was kind and people liked me. and maybe being mean made me funny, it made me likeable. i was writing something the other day about how i didnt feel like myself, the words i would say never felt like they were mine, and i guess my third eye was open as hell because that feels more true now than it has ever been. i don’t want to be a mean person, i don’t want to make people laugh at the expense of others. ive always know i never i wanted that, yet i did it anyways. and it feels more real and important now that it feels like the world has turned on its heels to make jokes at my expense. and at the expense of my friends. this, surprisingly, feels more like karma than anything. and if that is my cosmic repentance than i will take it and i will learn from it, but i will also be incredibly sad because of it.

the only person to blame here is me, and the only way to fix that is to be a better person. and i have to learn how to be a better person. which is kind of a juvenile lesson to learn. i feel a lot more mature than i am, i feel a lot more emotionally intelligent than an 18 year old but i still have to learn these hard lessons. i still have to mourn my mistakes even if i should be above them. the mistakes i make are inherently mine and i have to own them, if i want to or not.

i don’t know what to do about my friends. they’ve been here for me forever and i love them. i feel like it’s easier to run from it and not be forgiving. my capacity for forgiveness is so small for a person who needs to be constantly forgiven, mindfully so or not. the easy choice, here, is to leave and not look back. but the easy choice will knock the wind out of me and take the crutch away ive been using for almost a year now. is staying proof that im growing or proof im weak? i don’t know. i don’t know idont know. im going to leave it at this thats really all i have to say.

i have the hiccups bruh

ive had the hiccups on and off all day and it sucks fr

i forgot where i left off last time, whats new. i have the memory of a fish. not an exaggeration. umm lets see! guess what 🙂 i finally bought my new computer! after saving up forever i finally have my macbook!! i’m really excited it’s so much easier to type on and just exist on in general my computer was so damn slow esp w anything adobe related. Literally anything, typing, zooming, u name it that old computer sucked at it.

i was really excited for it to come but rn im not that excited today has been so weird i feel extraordinarily muted, like maybe not expressively but i feel very muted. im also really tired. i dont like feeling like somethings wrong, especially when i cant pinpoint it. ive been really suspicious of myself lately, if that makes sense. like i question myself on everything and refuse to trust what i feel and how i observe things. not sure why. just like ill see something, understand how i perceive it now and how others would perceive it but im like ykw im so stupid i probably am not even right. my associations with the world around me feel wrong. typing that out seems really troubling honestly. girl lemme shut up LMFAO.

i celebrated my graduation since we last spoke, not exactly how i pictured it. not once in my fantasy of my perfect graduation ceremony did i imagine i’d be living through a pandemic and riots. i would sit here and tell you how i feel about the state of our world, honestly the state its always been in, but i don’t even know a word long enough or deep enough to describe the anger i feel. im angry that this is our society and im angry that we constantly relive history with no major attempts to change it. im angry and my anger doesnt feel like enough. i wish i was smarter or better or had the tools to do something about this but everything feels so helpless. i sign every petition, ive donated, ive compiled resources, i havent shut up. it feels like nothing. i guess everyone feels that way right now. but my feelings of helplessness dont exactly equate to hopelessness right now. i have hope, seeing people come together, seeing these riots give me more faith than anything right now. i remember when BLM was kind of just starting, or at least when i came aware of it, i was 13. i dont really trust 13 year old mes perspective but thats all i have so if im wrong forgive me. the movement never felt that big, like it never felt overwhelmingly powerful (in terms of numbers and supporters). i was 13 man doing everything i could to learn more about it, i still got it wrong sometimes and fucked up, but i was 13 and trying. i believe that was around the time sandra bland died. that hit me hard, i think that really woke me up and opened all of this for me. i think in that moment i knew i could never turn a blind eye again if i wanted to look in the mirror and be okay with myself. ive been a politically aware person since then, im an intersectional feminist-killjoy and i love that about myself. my beliefs aren’t anything you could take away from me, now. i went 13 years not really understanding that oppression was still real and alive because i never saw it and i didnt understand the weight of it until i saw her death. i have no faith in the system, i have no belief that our justice system is truly just, and my whiteness shielded me from that for 13 years. i dont think i really started to feel it until these last few years. ive gotten a lot angrier, why is this still happening? who is going to change this? seeing the majority move from ALM or silence to BLM has made me really hopeful, i feel like this is the beginning of something powerful and a lot bigger than what weve seen in the past. i mean protests in all 50 states? thats so fucking powerful. i know i always joke about older me reading this and what the world will be like then, and i have hope right now that older me is in a much better world thats moving towards powerful, long overdue change. i can only fucking pray.

i know right now as a white girl that my anger must translate into action because my guilt and feelings do nothing here. im aware of that and my privilege and cant even begin to understand systemic and institutionalized/structural racism through experience, but thats just what i have to say right now. this has all been on my mind heavy. i doubt that that fact will change anytime soon. god i cant wait to vote trump out of office. this is just beyond fucked up. i hate him so much. anyways, i think that might be all i have to say right now.

ive been in a really weird headspace lately, i dont really know what to do about it since i cant put my name on it. i feel like this is just Mental Illness growing pains. i definitely feel like ive been evolving lately, or maybe my intense reflection on life these past few weeks has made me a lot more tuned in. i dont know. i feel like every time i talk to you im always waiting to get on the other side of a problem, and then BOOM another one. life kind of actually sucks.

whatever. i hope you are good, stranger. whoever you are out there. future me. someone lurking on the depths of wordpress, whoever you may be. i hope you are safe, i hope you are healthy, and i certainly hope you’re on the right side of history.

lov,

useless-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-teenage-girl

Omg im famous

hello… my last post got like 4 likes and i gained a single follower… so whoever you are… i love you and i cant wait to start our beautiful love story together. no but actually last night after i posted that rambling mess i was up watching tiktoks (again, the mental illness) and i got a few emails saying people were liking my last post and i FROZEEEE. i dont even know if they read it. if you are reading this plz comment or something bc i dont know how wordpress works like do yall just like eachothers post so someone will like urs? anyways if you do comment i will probably stalk you and read everything you post so honestly its a win win. but you dont have to im just Insanely curious. trying to not let the attention get to my head and i really dont want to start writing like people are listening so i will do my best to continue uncensored.

ive been thinking a lot about writing today. well, lets just start with what a horrible awful evil Terrible day this has been. i cried for three hours in my bedroom. Like ugly cried. like hugging a pillow sobbing trying to be quiet and borderline hyperventilating crying. Am i the only one who gets super embarassed when they cry? like even alone in my room im like ew shut up bitch! i really Really do not want to talk about it because ive spent the last like 8 hours thinking about it and im honestly all cried out. i even was listening to my emo playlist BYEEE girl Smother by Daughter came on and i think my heart damn near gave out my ass was so upset!!!!

ughughgughughgughgugh Okay so anyways as i was saying ive been thinking about writing lately. and like creating a memoir. i feel like this blog is literally just a memoir except less in hindsight more in real time and less context and no proofreading whatsoever. my post from yesterday really got me thinking about how i feel like theres no Major works from teenagers out there that don’t detail a pretty normal life. like the only teen i can think of with a memoir is like Malala and i am no where near as powerful as she is and my words are definitely not as important as hers but like i still think i have a voice worth hearing?? IDk. i hate myself 99.9 % of the time and now im like i am God with an average vocabulary everyone Listen To Me Or Perish. ah the duality of man

anyways i thought it would be kind of cool to put together like acollection of memoir-esque essays (ive also used the word (is it a word) esque today so much and i could not tell you why). i feel like a good focus would be on social media and growing up on the internet like from what i was saying yesterday. i think itd be kinda cool to talk about my phases and my varying relationship with social media as a whole and then different platforms. im sitting here already letting it get to my head that someone might be reading this so im probably just not going to add tags to this one for my own sanity but if u are reading still Hello. Do u hate me yet? Plz validate my existence.

i feel extremely unfullfilled right now and when i get like this i take on a passion project and abandon in approximately a week later because i have these Huge ideas but no talent to execute them nor do i have the resources or confidence to feel like im doing it any justice. and if icant do it how ive pictured it in my head then i dont want it. how i am a procrastinator, a perfectionist, and still alive is absolutely beyond me.

i know im not that extraordinary or that rare or that different for my experiences and feelings to be an isolated case. i know that my emotions and how i receive things have to be more normal than ive heard. and i think that me Talking about it would make me feel better. but also me opening up about my emotions in a way in which involves me being perceived is actually horrifying. I dont knwo!!!!! also like the more ive seen on social media the more isolated i feel but sometimes someone will make a stupid tweet and its like Exactly How I Feel and it makes me feel so much better that 1. its not just me 2. theyre comfortable enough with Said Feeling that they can tweet about it and talk about it 3. they can joke about it like Ugh thats just such a good feeling and it happens moreso lately but i think its because ive been more in touch with how i feel these past few months honestly.

everything i post on here is just one long stream of consciousness that im not even sure makes sense. but i shall power through! god, you guys are so lucky to have me.

anyways i was thinking about that earlier, since ive been so isolated from people and esp people my own age these last two years it has totally wiped my understanding of how my threshold for my own feelings and emotional intelligence can mature. am i really mature for my age? can i process my feelings the same way as everyone else my age can? am i emotionally mature or intelligent? do i overthink too much? am i too empathetic or not empathetic enough? i dont know! i wish there was some way to just Know Everyting (i am a control freak can u Tell) but then i wonder if knowing everything would make me feel better or worse?

um what else did i want to say. WHY IS EVERYTHING EMBARASSINGGGGG i mentioned this earlier but like is everyone embarrassed by every little thing they do or is that just me… i HATE MY LIFEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! also what else. Idk if uve noticed but i definitely got some sort of disorder revolving around attention spans bc mine is similar to one of a goldfish its so bad. im telling you i always think of 100 things to write about and then i get distracted and lose them. i feel like growing up the ugly fat kid definitely changes so MUCH. (total topic change btw hope ur neck doesnt hurt from my fucking whiplash) i feel like existing in a fat body can make everyone look at you differently especially just the little things. like how you eat or breathe or talk or walk is under a microscope if youre not typically skinny. if that makes sense. i mean i grew up watching fatphobic skits on television and fat people falling on social media and my family making jokes that were kind of extremely hurtful (not necessarily towards me) disguised as light-hearted remarks. i felt my existence was worth a lot less because of that rhetoric. i also remember there was a period of time when i didnt hate myself TOo much but then i surrounded myself with people who made comments that made me so insecure. like my middle school best friend would wonder why i wasnt as scandalous as her and didnt want to wear tight clothes even though i was supportive of her and what she wore. or why boys didnt like me like they liked her. like the sleepovers i had where it would get too hot when we had our midnight dance parties so every girl danced in their sports bra but i wouldve rather passed out from heat exhaustion than have showed anyone my stomach. or my Extremely Extremely concerningly thin friend from high school who made comments about my calves which i have not forgotten. and when I mentioned i had started going to the gym she made fun of me in a groupchat and called me a liar saying i would never go to a gym, she’d ask me what i did and what machines i used and Belittled me. the big girl surrounded by the tiny ones. Fun right? or when a kid i thought i was friends with telling his friends “oh the diabetes got to her” when i was asleep and not answering text messages. Or the kid seeing i joined my friends instagram live and saying “thank god im not fat”. i would laugh every time. I would try and play it off and be okay because although i may be fat i couldnt be a crybaby too. describing all of these situations to you, you must think JEEEEZZZ this girl must be 400 pounds! nope. im not even that big. yeah if i look at my phone ill have two chins and my thighs touch and my stomach pokes out of my jeans but i never ever thought i was that fat or ugly or unlikable until i started realizing thats how i was seen. a lot of the times people called me shy, when in reality i was scared of taking up too much space physcially that taking up space in any other way seemed like a death sentence. i think about all those instances a lot. im afraid that every time someone sees me they only see my weight. im afraid that im criticized more because im not skinny. im afraid that ill never ever find someone to like me. im afraid ill never be skinny. i dont feel like my body belongs to me because its open for interpretation from everyone who looks at me. i feel like my existence owes people an explanation and i wish it didnt. and i hate that the fatphobia targeted towards me has made me feel that way towards others. im trying to unlearn so much and learn everything all at once. It sucks.

dude i went from 0 to 100 with this post. i feel like this post pretty much sums up what my brain is like at all times. except way faster. i go from daydreaming to ideas to trauma to hating myself to harry styles then back to daydreaming all over again. its a vicious cycle.

i think this post can just be summed up with the overall yearning to be normal and typical and ordinary. yet my brain is Ill my existence is Fat and my circumstances are less than ideal. so here we are.

thats all i have to say for now. i might stay up or go to sleep idk im kind of tired but its already 5. anyways, i love u, dear reader. whoever you may be. i pray for ur Brain to be healthy, ur existence to be loved and ur circumstances to be exactly like your prettiest daydreams. until next time.

love,

the girl with a cramp in her neck

hello again…

its 3 am whats fucking new

okay so hi i dont remember the last time i got on here i know it wasnt too long ago i actually have no perception of time in my brain i honestly just vibe but anyways hey. i finished high school! in the middle of a pandemic! who knew! it doesnt even feel real like its just over. ive spent my entire life thinking about that long drive off the school lot and a soundtrack to it that sounds like sad endings and a lot of hope, but i just closed my laptop while listening to people attack me on stan twitter so that is so much fun

apparently nasa found proof that theres an alternate universe today and if i do not get to see my alternate life at any given point in time i will actually end my stupid little fat life because thats so interesting. i think a lot about hindsight and regret, and how each little domino of events in my life has led me to here. to this right now. and if i could go back, even a year, i would do a lot differently. i’m someone who learns through hindsight. im blinded by emotion and the overwhelming feeling of what is the present. as someone whos led by emotion like im on a literal LEASH (kinky), it leaves a lot of room for error. it also leaves me wondering more often than not. i could be a totally different person right now. i could be closer to the person i want to be. i could be further. i wish i knew what life had in store for me, so i could know if i was headed in the right direction. theres this one cheesy cliche depressionesque tumblr quote that says something like the afterlife is where the person you were meant to become, at your best, meets the person you are. and its up to you if thats heaven or hell. its kinda cringey but like Dam. i could sit here and type out every decision i wish i could take back but i would die typing. i also feel like dwelling on that for too long would actually make worms fester in my brain so thats up to you to wonder what i regret. Use ur imagination. Self deprecate me as me to ur hearts content baby

i dont know if ive mentioned this before but i daydream a lot and i always have. about the future or another lifetime idk just always. its really weird living through a period of time you used to fantasize about and its not even half as exciting as you thought it would be. like i look in the same mirror ive always looked in for over a decade and i listen to music ive yet to grow out of it in a life that looks nothing like ive pictured. its a harsh reality and my heavy imagination is a tough act to follow. i wish i would stop daydreaming and creating this life for myself and this insanely perfect version of myself in my head because i cant compete and the crippling disappointment and failure i feel toward my ownself is actually debilitating (debilitating is the word that got me disqualified from the middle school spelling bee if anyone was wondering)

i was literally just about to talk about something but i forgot so on to what i came here to talk about. social media… i deleted my main instagram. i feel like nobody gets it or why i did it and i dont know how to explain it without seeming like some mentally ill freak but Here goes. it makes sense to me so i guess thats all that matters. ive had unsupervised access to the internet since i was like in 5th grade, honestly maybe earlier but i cannot remember. ive been heavily dependent on social media for validation and entertainment for at least 8 years, and those were a lot of formative years in my opinion. i grew up on the internet. i viewed the internet as another way of interacting and treated it just as important as i did my interactions and relationships in real life. it felt more permanent so i regarded it a lot more seriously. i was obsessed with what people thought of my posts and the likes i got and how i looked and if people saw what i liked and would judge me. every single moment i spent on my main instagram felt crippling, it felt calculated. that isnt a wait everyone feels. im not sure if most people feel it at all. but it was very real for me and its also probably something i put on myself. i have no doubt about that and i blame nobody for it. i feel, especially since ive been in isolation pretty much these past two-three years, that social media was a replacement for real life and also a way to portray myself since nobody was seeing me. it was my ENTIRE identity. twitter not so much because twitter feels a lot more like enjoyment and casual to me. instagram/snapchat is high pressure. i would scroll through instagram and just see people i didnt want to see but felt like i had to because unfollowing would be rude. theres a certain etiqutte to these sites and it always feels like a losing game. if someone unfollowed me i took it way too personally. it would take me weeks to muster up the courage to post something, and when i did id hyperfixate on it. i would spend hours thinking about how many likes it got and the comments and how each person who saw it probably perceived it. then id get so sick of looking at my own face id delete it, then id wonder if anyone noticed that i deleted it. and if they thought that was weird. i thought i didnt have that many posts and that was weird but if i had a lot i needed more variety and there was too much weight to come with having a lot of posts it was like multiple facets for people to perceive me even though they didnt even really know me. i feel like im saying a lot and probably not making any sense. so i deleted my instagram and i made a small one with like 10 followers and i post sometimes when i want and i scroll through my feed because i want to. i dont feel any pressure about having to follow people. i follow people who make cool art or say cool things or post things that make me feel good. i still sometimes worry that if someone sees me like something theyll be like Omg weird.. but its not a crippling fear. its simply a thought. and it goes away. ive never felt so comfortable on a platform before. it feels more like living than it ever has and it has seriously made me feel so much better. i think one day ill reactivate my main instagram but i have to unlearn this obsession ive had with it. ive got to reconstruct my relationship with social media as a whole honestly. i have to be okay with being perceived and not let it eat me alive, and i dont think that rushing back to it would do me any good. i think its been so good for me to take this step back. i didnt realize how bad it made me feel because i was in it. i think this period in my life has easily been the height of an addiction i need to fight against social media.

i dont know when it happened but maybe a year or so ago i stopped using snapchat as often, i used it to make memories and take pictures and talk to my sisters and thats it. i stopped opening stories and snapchatting people and keeping streaks. i stopped doing streaks a little while after i moved honestly, i knew then it wasnt healthy to have any obligation to social media, it started with snapchat then and there. im so glad and now i hate snapchat. i hate that people use it to talk when text msgs exist. i probably sound so bitter but its just how i feel. idk i guess just realizing i could be a whole person without a social media presence has made me a lot happier. just because i grew up on the internet doesnt mean i have to live there, doesnt mean i have to stay attached to it.

ive been having a very weird and strange relationship with twitter these last few weeks too. well i guess the last few months but definitely ive felt its been stronger these last few weeks. i love twitter and i feel like its one part of the internet where i dont feel a lot of pressure but i feel like that lack of pressure has led me to not caring about how my followers perceive me and i havent created the best image of myself. i want to escape that identity ive created out of carelessness but i dont know how. i dont know if i can do that. i dont know if i should. i want to actually just erase my whole being off the internet and start again. right now thinking about this i really think it would be a good idea to create a fresh account but i feel like thats kind of cringey but if i want to continue to enjoy this platform and not ruin it for myself it seems like a good option. i know i created a toxic culture w my stan account because i was obsessed with having friends and hit tweets and likes and followers and it became so consuming. id argue with anyone and i dont like being confrontational. i like being liked. i like being nice and people thinking im kind. i think i need to take a break, a serious break for a few days and come back with a clear head of what my relationship is with it and what i want it to be. i dont want to be complicit in my own suffering. Ever!!!!! i think taking it from the point i did w my instagram and not knowing how bad it was until it was over is what i need to do. I think thats the plan. ill update you guys on that.

i really need a writing playlist because i keep skipping through all these damn songs trying to find something that is worthy of writing to. I have so much 1d poppy hits saved that it actually pains me when they come on shuffle. yes Dive by ed sheeran just came on and im letting it play. am i proud of that? no. am i contemplating deleteing this part? yes. but will i? no. Wondering why i can tell u guys about my mental illness uncensored but cant admit to liking an ed sheeran song. This is my life. I am so versatile u all are jealous i can totally sense it.

sorry i usually try to be more sardonic in these but i physically cannot right now. i guess because i have a lot to say. I feel good getting that out. ive been writing poetry more and idk that feels good. finishing high school feels good. having milestones and not being able to celebrate them as planned sucks but after all of the shit ive been through im grateful to be here. ALSO

am i the only one whos like “omg ive been thru so much this year” and people are like Yea? what happened? and all i can be like is… I hav mental illness this brain goes through a lot of trauma daily just to get thru the day babygirl thats a lot! my brain is a constant cycle of Criminal minds and then Baby Really Hurt Me Crying In The Taxi. Like thats it. also while writing this someone complimented my poetry and iw ant to strangle myself i am so appreciative ………

Ok anyways ill leave it here its 4 am im in immense pain actually no im not thats just a thing i say when i feel even slightly inconvenienced by my current situation

im tired so I will leave. Im going to order a book tomorrow and i am looking forward to that. I feel better writing that. I almost just addressed my readers like i have any omg bye can one person read this and all my other posts so we can fall in love like please. Im waiting. it would be such a good love story. mentally ill teenage girl vents about said mental illness on a dark corner of the website and finds the love of her life was reading all along… THATS SO CUTE SOMEONE READ THIS PELASEdshfjasdkfhjlsdfhlaksdhfl Ok OK ok bye anyways someone comment let me acknowledge if anyone is lurking okokokokokokok goodnight

PS this is not anywhere close to being a coming of age movie if u havent been able to tell. ALso i am so happy that i created this before it became a tiktok trend of whos the main character like i am so cool and have such a ginormous brain…

signing off…..

love,

your big brained mentally ill stupid fucking bitch ❤

dear god

haha i literally only remember this account when im DYING of mental illness. i genuinely cant remember what my last post was about. to be clear i never reread posts or read them period for that matter, i just write every thought that comes into my stupid little brain and then post it and then cry myself to sleep. so i hope i didnt put too many expectations onto may Kristen. i literally almost just spelled my name wrong. ok. This is fine im fine everythings fine.

im so scared to type anything because for some reason it makes it so real. im obviously struggling but theres shit htat im going through that i would honestly rather die than admit to myself. and i just started tearing up so thats hwo you know its bad. im so scared , and i feel like i cant be scared because im not even a person yet. how can i feel everything and be nobody. im so scared of how people perceive me, im so scared to exist and just be a person and thats no way to live a life.

im so scared that im fighting jsut to stay where i am. im fighting, im wasting all this energy to stay invisible when i need to be fighting to be somebody. i deleted my instagram the other day, i couldnt stand existing and i felt like most people only remembered my existence through social media. so i deactivated my main instagram but i keep my finsta just to see memes and stuff. i like my finsta a lot more, i dont see people i really know. it feels more like freedom than faking now. im probably going to contradict myself alot in this, but i feel like if youve read any of my blog posts you already know im fucking crazy and cant stick to one idea for very long.

i dont know what it is about social media, i dont know what it is about me. i dont remember if its always bothered me like it does now. i dont know if ive ever had a brain since before these last two or three years. i swear to god the amount of psychoanalyzing i do on myself is enough to drive me crazy. but i dont know if thats a normal thing everyone does. i swear to god all i do is think. i remember being at the old house and one day being like ??? i used to be able to fall asleep and be fine, now i cant turn my brain off. i think i never used to have thoughts, i just existed, now all those backlog of thoughts are hitting me now to make up for lost time. yeah, sounds about right. but also how cliche is it to be like OMg i think too much hehehe im an oVeRtHiNkEr like shut up stupid chemical meat pile just shut up already

lol my sister just texted me about twilight this is my life

i think one day im gonna just delete everything, delete my name, delete the profiles, and just have an account so that way im not totally out of the loop. i feel like when i go to college though people would be like wtf kinda person doesnt have social media. IDK, i feel like i cant win. Ever. im in a constant losing game against myself. i feel like i wasnt always like this. or i feel like i always was but now im just realizing. bitch im either ASCENDINGGG or im that Did U Kno Depression Causes Memory Loss headass and im scared to be either

i keep putting off the thing that im most scared to talk about. and i dont know if im more scared to talk about it or to never talk about it. i feel like its so stupid. like if i wasnt me and i was giving myself advice id tell myself i was the stupidest person alive for being scared regardless, that nobody would judge me. i wish i could print out my thoughts without trouble and just read everything and make sense of it. because i know i could, i know the truth is in here somewhere i just havent found it yet, i havent found the words. i havent found the bravery. and im sitting here wondering if ill ever find it.

the other day i was thinking of how, just because you grow up, doesnt necessarily mean that your problems stay your problems. if that makes sense. im only 18 (haha yes ive turned 18 since my last post! we can now legally cover NSFW territory!) and i have all of these problems. or problems that may not even be problems. i will have a lifetime of problems. im ALIVE. im living. and i will keep living for as long as im conscious of it. that such a stupid realiziation. but for a long time i definitely did not think that would be possible. i remember so many times looking in the mirror thinking, “this is my last night on earth” and i think thats so childish now, it was so cheesy but like I felt that way. the same way my emotions right now feel insanely real, those feelings felt real at such a young age. dont get me wrong, there are still moments where im like can i just die LOL but i feel like since ive made it this far i will make it farther. im becoming insanely aware of my own humanity, of the fact that i will age and experience life because guess what. Im real. I exist. whether i like it or not.

i remember looking in the mirror and daydreaming about what id look like at 18, what my life would be like, who id be. id build 18 year old me in my own head like i was a sim or something. the same mirror i daydreamed in is in front of me right now. and i have no comment.

i also have been having a hard time associating all of my transgressions or whatever with my identity. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. like imagine the worst thing youve ever done, do you actively associate that with who you are? with your core being? or do you pretend it doesnt exist? like you know its bad when it comes up in your head, and you hate it, but you dont want it to be a part of you. i dont know if its worse to pretend that evil isnt yours, or to let it own you. i dont know whats normal. or if the bad things ive done are necessarily bad, if everyone does it. i wish i could live in someones head for a week, a stereotypical, normal person and just see how they think. every thought. every action. i feel like thats not healthy. but again, i dont know. i feel like i have all of these thoughts that amount to nothing, i cant give you a definitive answer on anything. i wish i could. dear god, i wish i could.

i have a feeling that im going to be writing here more, i dont think this is a wave. i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i know nothing

im afraid if i type what i want to type i wont be able to take it back. i wont be able to put it back in and my fingers feel weird just even thinking of typing it. it probably sounds like im planning on admitting to murder or something LMFAO. i just ugh. i have internalized so much for so long i just cant go out and say it. but if i know one thing, i know ive had these thoughts for a long time, i wanted to type out saying i know its real but i dont know. how can i define myself if i dont even feel like im a real person half of the time. also another reason why i keep social media is because sometimes someone will post something and im like Wow. I understand that and i FEEEEL that and i never knew other people felt that way. its a love hate realtionship. sometimes it makes me feel crazy, sometimes it makes me feel sane.

it would be easier to correct all of my typos instead of typing this but when have you known me to do things that are the easy way. i just opened up this blog again to talk about the ONE thing and ive managed to do everything but name it. it would be easier to. but i cant. listening to ftdt by harry styles just to feel something. that feeling? Unimaginable pain. KILLL MEEE PLZZZ

i hope someone stumbles across this and thinks im so cool or something. IDk. all iw ant to be is cool. someone please call me cool. or kiss me on my forehead. Either works. but wait, being around people is physically painful considering i hate myself and the way i look with a burning passion.

all i know is pain.

um i think im just gonna leave it at this. i plan to see you soon. this mental illness aint going anywhere baby!