all nighter extravaganza

gooooood morning! it’s 8:59 AM and i have been up all night. the goal is to stay up all day, with no naps, but we’ll see how that goes. this morning i had a psychic moment and it’s the second time something similar to that has happened, and it’s really interesting to me it makes me excited that maybe i have a really strong intuition, or at least im getting there.

i just did some stretching and a meditation. i;m feeling just really good today, i think. just thinking about how far i’ve come these past few years. this time last year, i got my ACT score back and was heartbroken and felt i was doomed. i just thought i was so stupid. and now, i’m not doing too well in my classes. thats not an example of my changing in a positive way on its own but i do think it shows how my mindset has changed.

i don’t feel doomed, and if i do feel doomed on the rare occasion it doesn’t feel consuming for the most part. i definitely feel doom about other things but in terms of school i dont. i have a rocky relationship with life, and my mental health is, in one way or another, always at stake. it’s hard to feel balanced and far from doom when your health is always on the line.

i want to be better to myself, it’s just overwhelming to try to do that. it feels like all the awful things ive let myself go through has dug me a deep hole that i feel, sometimes, is too overwhelming to dig myself out of. i know thats not the case, and often feel it will get worse if i dont intervene and stop letting bad things come instead of actively preventing it.

i mean, i’m talking about things i have control over. theres a lot i dont have control over, and i think i’m better now at grasping the difference, than i was. i mean, i took the act’s twice and never studied, and cried for days about how stupid i was when i didnt even try. i didnt even get a bad score i got like a 26. i mean, the pain i felt was a lot. i know in retrospect that last year was a terrible time for me mentally, i was letting life pass me by and instead of doing something about it i just allowed myself to be hyperaware of that fact and spent my time consumed with a sadness that seemed like it could only be a predecessor to death itself.

and now i want to say i was being dramatic then, and maybe i was, but that’s just truly how i saw things. i think being dramatic is when the person knows things aren’t to the extent they are but choose to make it seem worse, but i genuinely believed the world was going to end and that it couldn’t possibly be worse. and not just about my ACTs, about a lot of things.

this time last year i was just very conflicted about everything, i felt like someone else was in my body using it and doing what they wanted and i was just watching it. i feel more in control now, but still on autopilot. i feel like i’ve not broken these bad habits, and i hope today i can break one.

i oversleep so much, it’s insane. like yesterday i woke up at 3pm. i set an alarm so i could go to class at 11:30. at 11:28 i logged on, put my computer up and then went back to bed. my computer died halfway through class and i woke up to it dead before class was even supposed to be over. which sucks. then i had a class at 2;30, woke up at 2:20 decided to sleep for a few more minutes and woke up at 2:31 to a dead computer knowing damn well by the time it turned on i most likely would not have been allowed in the room anyways, so why try?

waking up at 3pm on a regular basis in the dead of winter is actually going to destroy my mental health if i keep on. so maybe this all nighter will reset me and things will be good again. i mean, if im up everyday at 7/8, i will eventually get so bored i’ll have no choice but to go to class and be productive.

not only doing school, but i really wanna read more. i haven’t read a lot in the past like 2 months and that sucks. i wish i could go through books like other people do, and the thing is i most definitely have the schedule and the flexibility to do that. yet, i think i dont because im too busy sleeping. its a painful cycle, truly.

im getting sleepy while typing this so im going to go and be productive, somehow. i’ll let you know how it goes. (probably not, more like i’ll see u in3 months)

c’est la vie