i don’t remember the last time i wrote on here so that could be because it’s been a while or just that im fucking stupid so we shall see (ill check once im done)

i don’t really know what i wanna talk about. i could probably sit here and tell you a million things, all meaningless in the grand scheme of things but right now it feels like forever and everything.

i feel like more than ever i’m so confused by who i am when it comes to literally everything. i feel like a little bit of everyone i’ve ever known but completely isolated in my identity at the same time. i don’t know how to categorize myself, by any means. sometimes i don’t know if im ugly or not and i feel like more often than not the answer is leaning towards ugly which kind of sucks. but like thats not something i can really fix. i just have no idea what i truly look like. i feel like my personality is awful and everyone must hate me and only pretend to like me out of pity or obligation which sucks. i feel like i can’t get a good grasp on who i am to the point where i feel like ive been floating through life up to this point and ive barely even done anything besides exist, but im still debating my own existence if im being honest. i wish i could have some answers and be assured or different or not care. i dont know

this feels stupid

like really stupid

but whatever

i know ive talked about this before but like with everything going on now i feel like my social media anxiety is really heightened. like i feel like everything i do online doesnt portray who i really am/i dont sound like me but maybe that is what i sound like and im in denial. im just so fucking scared of someone thinking im ugly or stupid or annoying or fat or whatever and it could be a complete stranger and id be devastated. a lot of the time i worry about what people think of me im mostly, in my head, thinking about people i dont even know anymore. people who are most certainly not thinking about me but i always think about them and its so stupid and i dont know why i cant get over it. i feel like i have to prove the mental/emotional/spiritual growth ive experienced in a physical way but that hasnt happened yet and i dont know what to do. i constantly feel like my mentality is gonna lead me to something worse like an ED or something and a fucked up part of me is like… whatever works, right? thats so fucked up.

sometimes i look in the mirror or when im all by myself and not in an anxious moment, i feel okay. and i wish it could feel that way forever. and i dont know why it cant. and i keep telling myself things will get so much better during the fall because i love fall but like when am i going to learn that placing my hopes for a better mental health on a time period in the future NEVER works. you can’t just plan to get all of your mental illness out in the spring and hope by summer you’re okay again, thats not how it works but honestly i wish it did. i keep looking forward but theres nothing there right now, everythings all so up in the air.

do you ever wonder that it was 50 years ago and the internet didn’t exist and you couldnt care what strangers thought of you because they werent even on your radar because they were STRANGERS? part of me would like to throw my phone away forever and i truly think that someday i will, but right now im just trying to survive i guess.

and im also really nervous about life after college and what thats going to look like because everything i used to be interested in doing seems so god-awful boring to me, but that could just be the depression speaking. also im on my period so it could be that too but its been just an overarching thing lately.

i cant wait for the future and for things to get better and for everything about myself to line up. because right now i feel like part of me is so juvenile and the other part is way too grown up and i hate that. and i also hate that im getting older and ill have to become a slave to capitalism and pay taxes and bills and all that and its really scary and most of my youth is behind me so like now what lol but also i hate the idea of staying this way much longer. im too indecisive and my feelings about my mortality change with the weather so whatever

everything feels so impermanent in life, because it really is i guess. i don’t feel real half the time and time isn’t even real to begin with. neither is money. but whatever. the only thing we leave behind when we die, and go wherever we go, is our relationships with people and im so scared that nobody cares about me like that. im afraid im going to die and one day people will realize lifes a lot easier without me in it. i hate feeling like a burden but i do. i feel like i take up too much space, and i get it. i jsut want to change it, but i really dont know how. i dont know how to be someone radically different and i also really dont know how to be myself. i feel like who i am is all a mask to who i really am and i cant take that mask off. i dont know if who i really am and who i want to be are the same person, i just dont know. i mean, who am i really? i feel like im the most contradicting person ever. like have you read all this shit im saying? i contradict myself every other sentence. i dont feel normal and i dont by any means feel extraordinary i just want something that i dont even know how to describe.

i wish i could fucking build-a-bear my life or some shit and put together this perfect person in front of me, and step into the body mind and soul of this constructed being and that be me. i wish it worked like that. god, i wish it worked like that. maybe science will catch up to my mental illness one day.

i read this thing the other day where it was like our souls choose our lives before we are born, like our past self or whatever. like they choose our parents because of something we need. its like we’re just truly faceless entities that are collecting tragedies and stories and triumphs and life lessons to become a whole person. and i can’t tell if it’s the shittiest thing ever or the most interesting. i wonder what my past self saw in me and this life. gotta tell you, i dont think it was something totally great.

lately ive been feeling like writing might be all i have, and then i got freaked out that people would hate my writing and while im stressed about that someone left a comment on one of my poems and it wasn’t really nice. they basically told me it wasn’t good or bad but that it was only worth reading just to pass time. i ended up deleting the rest of my posts. i just cant handle the idea of not being good enough for a single person, but im also like FUCK EVERYONE who doesnt like me because im great and amazing and hot and sexy. like Jesus Christ i need to make up my mind. and also half the time im like fuck organized religion, all my homies hate organized religion but im totally a godfearing person i think. see, i told you i cant categorize myself.

i think writing this has made me a lot more confused than anything so im going to go. Hope ur good. hope nobody fucking reads this shit ever. i was thinking about that in the shower earlier, what if someone ever found this and read it? and they KNEW me? like holy fucking shit idk what id do. i wish one day i could be this open with a person but i dont think that would ever happen, id overthink it way too much.plus, im a whole lotta mental illness to put on a person.

peace out i hope i get better but we all know how far my hope gets me

(spoiler alert: not very far)