i wish i had the strength to write out everything thats transpired this past week or so but i cant it hurts way more than it should. it hurts knowing i disappointed people. people i cared so much about. people who cared about me. people i called friends. they’ll know me as disappointing and for how i hurt them, and there is no atonement for that.
i wish i could find a way to forgive myself. i wish i could forget all about it. i wish i was so much better than i am. i wish i wasnt who i am. i wish that anything else would be happening right now. i feel so stupid, i feel like i betrayed myself. part of me thinks im this emotionally intelligent, wise, good person but then the other part of me proves me wrong each time. what do i do. i feel like ill always regret it.
this for sure goes back to my dependency on social media, the fact that someone you used to care about and trust would decide so easily to never see a word you had to say again. that fucking hurts and i dont think it should. im so stupid. i wish i could be funny right now. i wish i didnt care so badly. and i wish that if i couldnt not care that id have the strength to cut it all off completely and just stop. i feel so entirely hurt and i wish i could blame it on anyone but me, but i think thats the cosmic punishment to all of this. ill blame my hurt on me because i caused it and the person who snatched the rug out from under me gets nothing. what the fuck kind of system is that.
and the fact is, the person who hurt me could get hurt to hell and back and it wouldnt change how i felt. it wouldnt change how hurt i am. it wouldnt make this any better. it hurts so much that a person who i called a friend and talked to day in and day out would want to hurt me this bad. and they knew this would hurt me. the people you trust always can hurt you the easiest because they know how, its never a guessing game. they know how to make your emotional stability come crumbling down because you were vulnerable enough. it makes me never want to say a word to anyone ever again. it makes me never want to trust a soul again. it makes me want to shrivel up and just die. okay thats kind of dramatic. but i cant just go on telling people every thought that’s in my head just because i think its okay. nobody would perceive me gently because of it, and in the long run they’d just find something about it to pick a part. and that seems like the end of the world.
everytime i feel better i end up falling down right again. this time, right now in my life with everything going on, feels harder. i have so much growing up to do in this short period of time, i have so much to learn and i have to, more than anything, try and give a shit about myself before it gets in the way. and while i do that, i have to deal with my safe space being taken away from me. i have to deal with accepting that a group of people ive never met will probably always hate me. and theres no way i can fix it. i have to forgive myself, on top of all of this.
i feel like reading this you guys might think i did some horrible, terrible, awful, disgusting thing. i didn’t murder anyone if that’s what you’re wondering. some things i said about a friend got shown to her, publicly, and out of context, by another ‘friend’. i won’t lie, i was hurtful. i let my other friends get away with it. i was a guilty participant and bystander. i should’ve said something. i should’ve never did what i did. i’ve regretted it and felt guilty about it before she was shown the texts. and i wish i could’ve said something to her to make her feel better, because what i did was awful but i still cared about her.
i feel like the only way i could move on from this is to leave every aspect of my association with my friends and that period of my life behind. but i feel like cutting ties is negating my responsibility in all of it. could i possibly learn and grow from this if i run away from it? would cutting ties with the people who were involved make it any better? is that the painful action i have to take? i love my friends, so much. i know in my heart they’re good people. but we did a bad thing, and i don’t think they care but again we haven’t really talked about it for a long time.
i wish i could tell my side of the story, fully. but i don’t think it would change anything. i don’t think that would make people care about me again or forgive me. i mean, someone who knew me kinda well heard the full thing and decided they still didn’t want to be associated with me. do you know how much that hurts? that i’m being wholly defined by a mistake i made, which i know was a mistake. and a mistake i’d never make again if i could help it.
it’s hard growing up and becoming a better person when there’s no capacity for forgiveness. i feel like that’s just true for social media. and social media already makes me feel bad. i wish i could just drill it into my head that 1. social media is bad. 2. you are not your mistakes. 3. you are worthy of forgiveness. 4. the opinions of others don’t matter. but those are some hard lessons im still trying to learn.
the image of me and all that is associated with me by those who will only remember me by my mistake is actually just so heartbreaking. i messed up and no fucking mantra will fix it. i wish i could just forget about it. but i’d never be better. i wish i could be better and forget about it. cant have your cake and eat it too i guess. Sucks. Life Sucks. I want to take a big eraser to my face, to this past year, to my entire presence and just start over knowing what i know now. but thats impossible. dear god or whoevers running this awful simulation, help. I need it.
i wish i could cry right now, i feel like it’d make me feel a lot better. i was kinda crying when i started writing this but now im just bleh.
i wish i was so much better than i am right now. i wish i wasn’t me. i wish this wasn’t happening. i wish i was more ready for what the world is about to hit me with. i don’t know if i could handle it. i’d like to think i could.
in her vulnerability (which she shares only with you),
the girl who fucked up
i wish this was a coming of age indie movie 