hi…

again, this probably wont make a lot of sense but i just need to write it and put it somewhere so hi.

i really dont think my return to twitter can happen anytime soon. every time i log on, i go looking for something that will hurt me and it really should hurt me tbh. i deserve to be hurt by it because its my actions. its how i was complicit in hurting other people. i made stupid mistakes, i did stupid things, and i wish i could erase it. all of it. i wish more than anything that i could take it back and do a lot differently, but i cant and i have to live with that insurmountable guilt.

the people by my side, my partners in crime, i dont even think realize the shitty things we did and they dont want to acknowledge it or grow from it i guess. i cant force that on anyone. and i dont want to, i cant force people to own up to their mistakes. even though i love them and im just as guilty i wish it would be a conversation, but its not. i wish i could apologize. idk how though. i dont think anyone wants to hear from me. i think thats ultimately fair. im trying to admit to fairness even when it doesnt benefit me, which is honestly hard. i’ve never felt like this before that i can remember.

ive done mean things but i dont think that makes me a mean person. well by definition a mean person is someone who does mean things. so i guess thats that. i dont want to be a mean person, i dont want to leave people worse off than when i found them. i dont want people to dislike me. i barely can handle people looking at me and recognizing my existence, let alone disliking my existence. i suck. i think i might just be the absolute worst.

this was a necessary thing to happen, im being held accountable, in an odd way (its an odd situation). ill never make this mistake again. i feel like in these few days ive grown a lot. its been painful. guess dats why theyre called growing pains. lov my life. wanna die. okkay now i have a headache and being on here and confronting my intensely overwhelming emotions is counterproductive to the advil i just took. See u all soon. i promise ill be better next time (maybe (probably not)).