crying, again

hi, theres so much i wanted to talk to you about but right now its 4pm and thats by far the earliest in the day i’ve ever written one of these. well i would say 4am is pretty early (when i usually write these) but you know what i mean. this probably wont make a lot of sense because i dont have it in me to explain to you every detail you’d need to understand.

i just lost the safe space ive had since september. and rightfully so. i deserved to lose it and i will most likely lose everyone ive found there too. im so upset with myself, im upset with the person who made me realize how shitty this all is, im upset with the people who helped this happen, im upset i hurt people. im upset that this is a horrible thing i did and im trying not to be distracted by how hurtful and evil *** is, because thats the easy way out. blaming jaz for what she did when i gave her the ammunition to do it. i hate myself right now. i feel very empty. i wanted to leave that place anyways, but i wanted to do it on my own terms. i wanted to have that control, but i dont anymore. i never truly did i guess. i did a mean thing and i dont deserve the mercy and i dont deserve the power i want over the situation. i wish i could be angry with the world right now but i am instead very angry with myself.

i feel like i was a nice person before all of this, that i was kind and people liked me. and maybe being mean made me funny, it made me likeable. i was writing something the other day about how i didnt feel like myself, the words i would say never felt like they were mine, and i guess my third eye was open as hell because that feels more true now than it has ever been. i don’t want to be a mean person, i don’t want to make people laugh at the expense of others. ive always know i never i wanted that, yet i did it anyways. and it feels more real and important now that it feels like the world has turned on its heels to make jokes at my expense. and at the expense of my friends. this, surprisingly, feels more like karma than anything. and if that is my cosmic repentance than i will take it and i will learn from it, but i will also be incredibly sad because of it.

the only person to blame here is me, and the only way to fix that is to be a better person. and i have to learn how to be a better person. which is kind of a juvenile lesson to learn. i feel a lot more mature than i am, i feel a lot more emotionally intelligent than an 18 year old but i still have to learn these hard lessons. i still have to mourn my mistakes even if i should be above them. the mistakes i make are inherently mine and i have to own them, if i want to or not.

i don’t know what to do about my friends. they’ve been here for me forever and i love them. i feel like it’s easier to run from it and not be forgiving. my capacity for forgiveness is so small for a person who needs to be constantly forgiven, mindfully so or not. the easy choice, here, is to leave and not look back. but the easy choice will knock the wind out of me and take the crutch away ive been using for almost a year now. is staying proof that im growing or proof im weak? i don’t know. i don’t know idont know. im going to leave it at this thats really all i have to say.