i have the hiccups bruh

ive had the hiccups on and off all day and it sucks fr

i forgot where i left off last time, whats new. i have the memory of a fish. not an exaggeration. umm lets see! guess what 🙂 i finally bought my new computer! after saving up forever i finally have my macbook!! i’m really excited it’s so much easier to type on and just exist on in general my computer was so damn slow esp w anything adobe related. Literally anything, typing, zooming, u name it that old computer sucked at it.

i was really excited for it to come but rn im not that excited today has been so weird i feel extraordinarily muted, like maybe not expressively but i feel very muted. im also really tired. i dont like feeling like somethings wrong, especially when i cant pinpoint it. ive been really suspicious of myself lately, if that makes sense. like i question myself on everything and refuse to trust what i feel and how i observe things. not sure why. just like ill see something, understand how i perceive it now and how others would perceive it but im like ykw im so stupid i probably am not even right. my associations with the world around me feel wrong. typing that out seems really troubling honestly. girl lemme shut up LMFAO.

i celebrated my graduation since we last spoke, not exactly how i pictured it. not once in my fantasy of my perfect graduation ceremony did i imagine i’d be living through a pandemic and riots. i would sit here and tell you how i feel about the state of our world, honestly the state its always been in, but i don’t even know a word long enough or deep enough to describe the anger i feel. im angry that this is our society and im angry that we constantly relive history with no major attempts to change it. im angry and my anger doesnt feel like enough. i wish i was smarter or better or had the tools to do something about this but everything feels so helpless. i sign every petition, ive donated, ive compiled resources, i havent shut up. it feels like nothing. i guess everyone feels that way right now. but my feelings of helplessness dont exactly equate to hopelessness right now. i have hope, seeing people come together, seeing these riots give me more faith than anything right now. i remember when BLM was kind of just starting, or at least when i came aware of it, i was 13. i dont really trust 13 year old mes perspective but thats all i have so if im wrong forgive me. the movement never felt that big, like it never felt overwhelmingly powerful (in terms of numbers and supporters). i was 13 man doing everything i could to learn more about it, i still got it wrong sometimes and fucked up, but i was 13 and trying. i believe that was around the time sandra bland died. that hit me hard, i think that really woke me up and opened all of this for me. i think in that moment i knew i could never turn a blind eye again if i wanted to look in the mirror and be okay with myself. ive been a politically aware person since then, im an intersectional feminist-killjoy and i love that about myself. my beliefs aren’t anything you could take away from me, now. i went 13 years not really understanding that oppression was still real and alive because i never saw it and i didnt understand the weight of it until i saw her death. i have no faith in the system, i have no belief that our justice system is truly just, and my whiteness shielded me from that for 13 years. i dont think i really started to feel it until these last few years. ive gotten a lot angrier, why is this still happening? who is going to change this? seeing the majority move from ALM or silence to BLM has made me really hopeful, i feel like this is the beginning of something powerful and a lot bigger than what weve seen in the past. i mean protests in all 50 states? thats so fucking powerful. i know i always joke about older me reading this and what the world will be like then, and i have hope right now that older me is in a much better world thats moving towards powerful, long overdue change. i can only fucking pray.

i know right now as a white girl that my anger must translate into action because my guilt and feelings do nothing here. im aware of that and my privilege and cant even begin to understand systemic and institutionalized/structural racism through experience, but thats just what i have to say right now. this has all been on my mind heavy. i doubt that that fact will change anytime soon. god i cant wait to vote trump out of office. this is just beyond fucked up. i hate him so much. anyways, i think that might be all i have to say right now.

ive been in a really weird headspace lately, i dont really know what to do about it since i cant put my name on it. i feel like this is just Mental Illness growing pains. i definitely feel like ive been evolving lately, or maybe my intense reflection on life these past few weeks has made me a lot more tuned in. i dont know. i feel like every time i talk to you im always waiting to get on the other side of a problem, and then BOOM another one. life kind of actually sucks.

whatever. i hope you are good, stranger. whoever you are out there. future me. someone lurking on the depths of wordpress, whoever you may be. i hope you are safe, i hope you are healthy, and i certainly hope you’re on the right side of history.

lov,

useless-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-teenage-girl