hello… my last post got like 4 likes and i gained a single follower… so whoever you are… i love you and i cant wait to start our beautiful love story together. no but actually last night after i posted that rambling mess i was up watching tiktoks (again, the mental illness) and i got a few emails saying people were liking my last post and i FROZEEEE. i dont even know if they read it. if you are reading this plz comment or something bc i dont know how wordpress works like do yall just like eachothers post so someone will like urs? anyways if you do comment i will probably stalk you and read everything you post so honestly its a win win. but you dont have to im just Insanely curious. trying to not let the attention get to my head and i really dont want to start writing like people are listening so i will do my best to continue uncensored.
ive been thinking a lot about writing today. well, lets just start with what a horrible awful evil Terrible day this has been. i cried for three hours in my bedroom. Like ugly cried. like hugging a pillow sobbing trying to be quiet and borderline hyperventilating crying. Am i the only one who gets super embarassed when they cry? like even alone in my room im like ew shut up bitch! i really Really do not want to talk about it because ive spent the last like 8 hours thinking about it and im honestly all cried out. i even was listening to my emo playlist BYEEE girl Smother by Daughter came on and i think my heart damn near gave out my ass was so upset!!!!
ughughgughughgughgugh Okay so anyways as i was saying ive been thinking about writing lately. and like creating a memoir. i feel like this blog is literally just a memoir except less in hindsight more in real time and less context and no proofreading whatsoever. my post from yesterday really got me thinking about how i feel like theres no Major works from teenagers out there that don’t detail a pretty normal life. like the only teen i can think of with a memoir is like Malala and i am no where near as powerful as she is and my words are definitely not as important as hers but like i still think i have a voice worth hearing?? IDk. i hate myself 99.9 % of the time and now im like i am God with an average vocabulary everyone Listen To Me Or Perish. ah the duality of man
anyways i thought it would be kind of cool to put together like acollection of memoir-esque essays (ive also used the word (is it a word) esque today so much and i could not tell you why). i feel like a good focus would be on social media and growing up on the internet like from what i was saying yesterday. i think itd be kinda cool to talk about my phases and my varying relationship with social media as a whole and then different platforms. im sitting here already letting it get to my head that someone might be reading this so im probably just not going to add tags to this one for my own sanity but if u are reading still Hello. Do u hate me yet? Plz validate my existence.
i feel extremely unfullfilled right now and when i get like this i take on a passion project and abandon in approximately a week later because i have these Huge ideas but no talent to execute them nor do i have the resources or confidence to feel like im doing it any justice. and if icant do it how ive pictured it in my head then i dont want it. how i am a procrastinator, a perfectionist, and still alive is absolutely beyond me.
i know im not that extraordinary or that rare or that different for my experiences and feelings to be an isolated case. i know that my emotions and how i receive things have to be more normal than ive heard. and i think that me Talking about it would make me feel better. but also me opening up about my emotions in a way in which involves me being perceived is actually horrifying. I dont knwo!!!!! also like the more ive seen on social media the more isolated i feel but sometimes someone will make a stupid tweet and its like Exactly How I Feel and it makes me feel so much better that 1. its not just me 2. theyre comfortable enough with Said Feeling that they can tweet about it and talk about it 3. they can joke about it like Ugh thats just such a good feeling and it happens moreso lately but i think its because ive been more in touch with how i feel these past few months honestly.
everything i post on here is just one long stream of consciousness that im not even sure makes sense. but i shall power through! god, you guys are so lucky to have me.
anyways i was thinking about that earlier, since ive been so isolated from people and esp people my own age these last two years it has totally wiped my understanding of how my threshold for my own feelings and emotional intelligence can mature. am i really mature for my age? can i process my feelings the same way as everyone else my age can? am i emotionally mature or intelligent? do i overthink too much? am i too empathetic or not empathetic enough? i dont know! i wish there was some way to just Know Everyting (i am a control freak can u Tell) but then i wonder if knowing everything would make me feel better or worse?
um what else did i want to say. WHY IS EVERYTHING EMBARASSINGGGGG i mentioned this earlier but like is everyone embarrassed by every little thing they do or is that just me… i HATE MY LIFEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! also what else. Idk if uve noticed but i definitely got some sort of disorder revolving around attention spans bc mine is similar to one of a goldfish its so bad. im telling you i always think of 100 things to write about and then i get distracted and lose them. i feel like growing up the ugly fat kid definitely changes so MUCH. (total topic change btw hope ur neck doesnt hurt from my fucking whiplash) i feel like existing in a fat body can make everyone look at you differently especially just the little things. like how you eat or breathe or talk or walk is under a microscope if youre not typically skinny. if that makes sense. i mean i grew up watching fatphobic skits on television and fat people falling on social media and my family making jokes that were kind of extremely hurtful (not necessarily towards me) disguised as light-hearted remarks. i felt my existence was worth a lot less because of that rhetoric. i also remember there was a period of time when i didnt hate myself TOo much but then i surrounded myself with people who made comments that made me so insecure. like my middle school best friend would wonder why i wasnt as scandalous as her and didnt want to wear tight clothes even though i was supportive of her and what she wore. or why boys didnt like me like they liked her. like the sleepovers i had where it would get too hot when we had our midnight dance parties so every girl danced in their sports bra but i wouldve rather passed out from heat exhaustion than have showed anyone my stomach. or my Extremely Extremely concerningly thin friend from high school who made comments about my calves which i have not forgotten. and when I mentioned i had started going to the gym she made fun of me in a groupchat and called me a liar saying i would never go to a gym, she’d ask me what i did and what machines i used and Belittled me. the big girl surrounded by the tiny ones. Fun right? or when a kid i thought i was friends with telling his friends “oh the diabetes got to her” when i was asleep and not answering text messages. Or the kid seeing i joined my friends instagram live and saying “thank god im not fat”. i would laugh every time. I would try and play it off and be okay because although i may be fat i couldnt be a crybaby too. describing all of these situations to you, you must think JEEEEZZZ this girl must be 400 pounds! nope. im not even that big. yeah if i look at my phone ill have two chins and my thighs touch and my stomach pokes out of my jeans but i never ever thought i was that fat or ugly or unlikable until i started realizing thats how i was seen. a lot of the times people called me shy, when in reality i was scared of taking up too much space physcially that taking up space in any other way seemed like a death sentence. i think about all those instances a lot. im afraid that every time someone sees me they only see my weight. im afraid that im criticized more because im not skinny. im afraid that ill never ever find someone to like me. im afraid ill never be skinny. i dont feel like my body belongs to me because its open for interpretation from everyone who looks at me. i feel like my existence owes people an explanation and i wish it didnt. and i hate that the fatphobia targeted towards me has made me feel that way towards others. im trying to unlearn so much and learn everything all at once. It sucks.
dude i went from 0 to 100 with this post. i feel like this post pretty much sums up what my brain is like at all times. except way faster. i go from daydreaming to ideas to trauma to hating myself to harry styles then back to daydreaming all over again. its a vicious cycle.
i think this post can just be summed up with the overall yearning to be normal and typical and ordinary. yet my brain is Ill my existence is Fat and my circumstances are less than ideal. so here we are.
thats all i have to say for now. i might stay up or go to sleep idk im kind of tired but its already 5. anyways, i love u, dear reader. whoever you may be. i pray for ur Brain to be healthy, ur existence to be loved and ur circumstances to be exactly like your prettiest daydreams. until next time.
love,
the girl with a cramp in her neck
i wish this was a coming of age indie movie 