hello again…

its 3 am whats fucking new

okay so hi i dont remember the last time i got on here i know it wasnt too long ago i actually have no perception of time in my brain i honestly just vibe but anyways hey. i finished high school! in the middle of a pandemic! who knew! it doesnt even feel real like its just over. ive spent my entire life thinking about that long drive off the school lot and a soundtrack to it that sounds like sad endings and a lot of hope, but i just closed my laptop while listening to people attack me on stan twitter so that is so much fun

apparently nasa found proof that theres an alternate universe today and if i do not get to see my alternate life at any given point in time i will actually end my stupid little fat life because thats so interesting. i think a lot about hindsight and regret, and how each little domino of events in my life has led me to here. to this right now. and if i could go back, even a year, i would do a lot differently. i’m someone who learns through hindsight. im blinded by emotion and the overwhelming feeling of what is the present. as someone whos led by emotion like im on a literal LEASH (kinky), it leaves a lot of room for error. it also leaves me wondering more often than not. i could be a totally different person right now. i could be closer to the person i want to be. i could be further. i wish i knew what life had in store for me, so i could know if i was headed in the right direction. theres this one cheesy cliche depressionesque tumblr quote that says something like the afterlife is where the person you were meant to become, at your best, meets the person you are. and its up to you if thats heaven or hell. its kinda cringey but like Dam. i could sit here and type out every decision i wish i could take back but i would die typing. i also feel like dwelling on that for too long would actually make worms fester in my brain so thats up to you to wonder what i regret. Use ur imagination. Self deprecate me as me to ur hearts content baby

i dont know if ive mentioned this before but i daydream a lot and i always have. about the future or another lifetime idk just always. its really weird living through a period of time you used to fantasize about and its not even half as exciting as you thought it would be. like i look in the same mirror ive always looked in for over a decade and i listen to music ive yet to grow out of it in a life that looks nothing like ive pictured. its a harsh reality and my heavy imagination is a tough act to follow. i wish i would stop daydreaming and creating this life for myself and this insanely perfect version of myself in my head because i cant compete and the crippling disappointment and failure i feel toward my ownself is actually debilitating (debilitating is the word that got me disqualified from the middle school spelling bee if anyone was wondering)

i was literally just about to talk about something but i forgot so on to what i came here to talk about. social media… i deleted my main instagram. i feel like nobody gets it or why i did it and i dont know how to explain it without seeming like some mentally ill freak but Here goes. it makes sense to me so i guess thats all that matters. ive had unsupervised access to the internet since i was like in 5th grade, honestly maybe earlier but i cannot remember. ive been heavily dependent on social media for validation and entertainment for at least 8 years, and those were a lot of formative years in my opinion. i grew up on the internet. i viewed the internet as another way of interacting and treated it just as important as i did my interactions and relationships in real life. it felt more permanent so i regarded it a lot more seriously. i was obsessed with what people thought of my posts and the likes i got and how i looked and if people saw what i liked and would judge me. every single moment i spent on my main instagram felt crippling, it felt calculated. that isnt a wait everyone feels. im not sure if most people feel it at all. but it was very real for me and its also probably something i put on myself. i have no doubt about that and i blame nobody for it. i feel, especially since ive been in isolation pretty much these past two-three years, that social media was a replacement for real life and also a way to portray myself since nobody was seeing me. it was my ENTIRE identity. twitter not so much because twitter feels a lot more like enjoyment and casual to me. instagram/snapchat is high pressure. i would scroll through instagram and just see people i didnt want to see but felt like i had to because unfollowing would be rude. theres a certain etiqutte to these sites and it always feels like a losing game. if someone unfollowed me i took it way too personally. it would take me weeks to muster up the courage to post something, and when i did id hyperfixate on it. i would spend hours thinking about how many likes it got and the comments and how each person who saw it probably perceived it. then id get so sick of looking at my own face id delete it, then id wonder if anyone noticed that i deleted it. and if they thought that was weird. i thought i didnt have that many posts and that was weird but if i had a lot i needed more variety and there was too much weight to come with having a lot of posts it was like multiple facets for people to perceive me even though they didnt even really know me. i feel like im saying a lot and probably not making any sense. so i deleted my instagram and i made a small one with like 10 followers and i post sometimes when i want and i scroll through my feed because i want to. i dont feel any pressure about having to follow people. i follow people who make cool art or say cool things or post things that make me feel good. i still sometimes worry that if someone sees me like something theyll be like Omg weird.. but its not a crippling fear. its simply a thought. and it goes away. ive never felt so comfortable on a platform before. it feels more like living than it ever has and it has seriously made me feel so much better. i think one day ill reactivate my main instagram but i have to unlearn this obsession ive had with it. ive got to reconstruct my relationship with social media as a whole honestly. i have to be okay with being perceived and not let it eat me alive, and i dont think that rushing back to it would do me any good. i think its been so good for me to take this step back. i didnt realize how bad it made me feel because i was in it. i think this period in my life has easily been the height of an addiction i need to fight against social media.

i dont know when it happened but maybe a year or so ago i stopped using snapchat as often, i used it to make memories and take pictures and talk to my sisters and thats it. i stopped opening stories and snapchatting people and keeping streaks. i stopped doing streaks a little while after i moved honestly, i knew then it wasnt healthy to have any obligation to social media, it started with snapchat then and there. im so glad and now i hate snapchat. i hate that people use it to talk when text msgs exist. i probably sound so bitter but its just how i feel. idk i guess just realizing i could be a whole person without a social media presence has made me a lot happier. just because i grew up on the internet doesnt mean i have to live there, doesnt mean i have to stay attached to it.

ive been having a very weird and strange relationship with twitter these last few weeks too. well i guess the last few months but definitely ive felt its been stronger these last few weeks. i love twitter and i feel like its one part of the internet where i dont feel a lot of pressure but i feel like that lack of pressure has led me to not caring about how my followers perceive me and i havent created the best image of myself. i want to escape that identity ive created out of carelessness but i dont know how. i dont know if i can do that. i dont know if i should. i want to actually just erase my whole being off the internet and start again. right now thinking about this i really think it would be a good idea to create a fresh account but i feel like thats kind of cringey but if i want to continue to enjoy this platform and not ruin it for myself it seems like a good option. i know i created a toxic culture w my stan account because i was obsessed with having friends and hit tweets and likes and followers and it became so consuming. id argue with anyone and i dont like being confrontational. i like being liked. i like being nice and people thinking im kind. i think i need to take a break, a serious break for a few days and come back with a clear head of what my relationship is with it and what i want it to be. i dont want to be complicit in my own suffering. Ever!!!!! i think taking it from the point i did w my instagram and not knowing how bad it was until it was over is what i need to do. I think thats the plan. ill update you guys on that.

i really need a writing playlist because i keep skipping through all these damn songs trying to find something that is worthy of writing to. I have so much 1d poppy hits saved that it actually pains me when they come on shuffle. yes Dive by ed sheeran just came on and im letting it play. am i proud of that? no. am i contemplating deleteing this part? yes. but will i? no. Wondering why i can tell u guys about my mental illness uncensored but cant admit to liking an ed sheeran song. This is my life. I am so versatile u all are jealous i can totally sense it.

sorry i usually try to be more sardonic in these but i physically cannot right now. i guess because i have a lot to say. I feel good getting that out. ive been writing poetry more and idk that feels good. finishing high school feels good. having milestones and not being able to celebrate them as planned sucks but after all of the shit ive been through im grateful to be here. ALSO

am i the only one whos like “omg ive been thru so much this year” and people are like Yea? what happened? and all i can be like is… I hav mental illness this brain goes through a lot of trauma daily just to get thru the day babygirl thats a lot! my brain is a constant cycle of Criminal minds and then Baby Really Hurt Me Crying In The Taxi. Like thats it. also while writing this someone complimented my poetry and iw ant to strangle myself i am so appreciative ………

Ok anyways ill leave it here its 4 am im in immense pain actually no im not thats just a thing i say when i feel even slightly inconvenienced by my current situation

im tired so I will leave. Im going to order a book tomorrow and i am looking forward to that. I feel better writing that. I almost just addressed my readers like i have any omg bye can one person read this and all my other posts so we can fall in love like please. Im waiting. it would be such a good love story. mentally ill teenage girl vents about said mental illness on a dark corner of the website and finds the love of her life was reading all along… THATS SO CUTE SOMEONE READ THIS PELASEdshfjasdkfhjlsdfhlaksdhfl Ok OK ok bye anyways someone comment let me acknowledge if anyone is lurking okokokokokokok goodnight

PS this is not anywhere close to being a coming of age movie if u havent been able to tell. ALso i am so happy that i created this before it became a tiktok trend of whos the main character like i am so cool and have such a ginormous brain…

signing off…..

love,

your big brained mentally ill stupid fucking bitch ❤