dear god

haha i literally only remember this account when im DYING of mental illness. i genuinely cant remember what my last post was about. to be clear i never reread posts or read them period for that matter, i just write every thought that comes into my stupid little brain and then post it and then cry myself to sleep. so i hope i didnt put too many expectations onto may Kristen. i literally almost just spelled my name wrong. ok. This is fine im fine everythings fine.

im so scared to type anything because for some reason it makes it so real. im obviously struggling but theres shit htat im going through that i would honestly rather die than admit to myself. and i just started tearing up so thats hwo you know its bad. im so scared , and i feel like i cant be scared because im not even a person yet. how can i feel everything and be nobody. im so scared of how people perceive me, im so scared to exist and just be a person and thats no way to live a life.

im so scared that im fighting jsut to stay where i am. im fighting, im wasting all this energy to stay invisible when i need to be fighting to be somebody. i deleted my instagram the other day, i couldnt stand existing and i felt like most people only remembered my existence through social media. so i deactivated my main instagram but i keep my finsta just to see memes and stuff. i like my finsta a lot more, i dont see people i really know. it feels more like freedom than faking now. im probably going to contradict myself alot in this, but i feel like if youve read any of my blog posts you already know im fucking crazy and cant stick to one idea for very long.

i dont know what it is about social media, i dont know what it is about me. i dont remember if its always bothered me like it does now. i dont know if ive ever had a brain since before these last two or three years. i swear to god the amount of psychoanalyzing i do on myself is enough to drive me crazy. but i dont know if thats a normal thing everyone does. i swear to god all i do is think. i remember being at the old house and one day being like ??? i used to be able to fall asleep and be fine, now i cant turn my brain off. i think i never used to have thoughts, i just existed, now all those backlog of thoughts are hitting me now to make up for lost time. yeah, sounds about right. but also how cliche is it to be like OMg i think too much hehehe im an oVeRtHiNkEr like shut up stupid chemical meat pile just shut up already

lol my sister just texted me about twilight this is my life

i think one day im gonna just delete everything, delete my name, delete the profiles, and just have an account so that way im not totally out of the loop. i feel like when i go to college though people would be like wtf kinda person doesnt have social media. IDK, i feel like i cant win. Ever. im in a constant losing game against myself. i feel like i wasnt always like this. or i feel like i always was but now im just realizing. bitch im either ASCENDINGGG or im that Did U Kno Depression Causes Memory Loss headass and im scared to be either

i keep putting off the thing that im most scared to talk about. and i dont know if im more scared to talk about it or to never talk about it. i feel like its so stupid. like if i wasnt me and i was giving myself advice id tell myself i was the stupidest person alive for being scared regardless, that nobody would judge me. i wish i could print out my thoughts without trouble and just read everything and make sense of it. because i know i could, i know the truth is in here somewhere i just havent found it yet, i havent found the words. i havent found the bravery. and im sitting here wondering if ill ever find it.

the other day i was thinking of how, just because you grow up, doesnt necessarily mean that your problems stay your problems. if that makes sense. im only 18 (haha yes ive turned 18 since my last post! we can now legally cover NSFW territory!) and i have all of these problems. or problems that may not even be problems. i will have a lifetime of problems. im ALIVE. im living. and i will keep living for as long as im conscious of it. that such a stupid realiziation. but for a long time i definitely did not think that would be possible. i remember so many times looking in the mirror thinking, “this is my last night on earth” and i think thats so childish now, it was so cheesy but like I felt that way. the same way my emotions right now feel insanely real, those feelings felt real at such a young age. dont get me wrong, there are still moments where im like can i just die LOL but i feel like since ive made it this far i will make it farther. im becoming insanely aware of my own humanity, of the fact that i will age and experience life because guess what. Im real. I exist. whether i like it or not.

i remember looking in the mirror and daydreaming about what id look like at 18, what my life would be like, who id be. id build 18 year old me in my own head like i was a sim or something. the same mirror i daydreamed in is in front of me right now. and i have no comment.

i also have been having a hard time associating all of my transgressions or whatever with my identity. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. like imagine the worst thing youve ever done, do you actively associate that with who you are? with your core being? or do you pretend it doesnt exist? like you know its bad when it comes up in your head, and you hate it, but you dont want it to be a part of you. i dont know if its worse to pretend that evil isnt yours, or to let it own you. i dont know whats normal. or if the bad things ive done are necessarily bad, if everyone does it. i wish i could live in someones head for a week, a stereotypical, normal person and just see how they think. every thought. every action. i feel like thats not healthy. but again, i dont know. i feel like i have all of these thoughts that amount to nothing, i cant give you a definitive answer on anything. i wish i could. dear god, i wish i could.

i have a feeling that im going to be writing here more, i dont think this is a wave. i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i know nothing

im afraid if i type what i want to type i wont be able to take it back. i wont be able to put it back in and my fingers feel weird just even thinking of typing it. it probably sounds like im planning on admitting to murder or something LMFAO. i just ugh. i have internalized so much for so long i just cant go out and say it. but if i know one thing, i know ive had these thoughts for a long time, i wanted to type out saying i know its real but i dont know. how can i define myself if i dont even feel like im a real person half of the time. also another reason why i keep social media is because sometimes someone will post something and im like Wow. I understand that and i FEEEEL that and i never knew other people felt that way. its a love hate realtionship. sometimes it makes me feel crazy, sometimes it makes me feel sane.

it would be easier to correct all of my typos instead of typing this but when have you known me to do things that are the easy way. i just opened up this blog again to talk about the ONE thing and ive managed to do everything but name it. it would be easier to. but i cant. listening to ftdt by harry styles just to feel something. that feeling? Unimaginable pain. KILLL MEEE PLZZZ

i hope someone stumbles across this and thinks im so cool or something. IDk. all iw ant to be is cool. someone please call me cool. or kiss me on my forehead. Either works. but wait, being around people is physically painful considering i hate myself and the way i look with a burning passion.

all i know is pain.

um i think im just gonna leave it at this. i plan to see you soon. this mental illness aint going anywhere baby!